This is Joel's first post here! Joel is one of those internet funny guys. When Joel isn't snarkily trolling twitter, he writes and shops!
It's that time of year again - Black Friday. The cash registers are chiming, mailmen are hulking under the weight of countless fliers, mall security is sweating bullets and bargain hunters are stretching their quads for that mad dash to the checkout line. But in this wonderful age of technology, the internet provides a safe haven for shoppers who want in on the great Black Friday Deals but don't want to get hit over the head with a lawn chair trying to get them. Without further adieu, here are 5 incredibly good reasons to take your shopping online this year:
1. No Parking RequiredWhen the masses descend upon the shopping malls, they bring with them their automobiles. Once-vacant parking lots become oceans of steel, meandering pedestrians, rabid horn honking and curse words. Hopes of a free spot are dashed on the rocks of despair when you realize upon closer inspection someone parked their deceitful little smart car. Tempers flare. Tears flow.
When you shop online, the only thing you need to park is your butt into a well-grooved desk chair. There's no traffic to compete with and no early-morning Indy 500 runs around the parking lot.
2. No Shirt, No Shoes, No ProblemGiven the hullabaloo that goes down on Black Friday, appropriate shopping dress code might actually be a bullet proof vest, a sturdy helmet, a fanny pack and a sprinter's tracksuit. Staying home means you don't have to suit up like an Olympic luger or kinky astronaut.
In fact, you can roll out of bed and shop in whatever you are (or aren't) wearing! Well, to be fair: most of the sleepy patrons of your favorite big box store might already do that. But you can't exactly hit the malls in your birthday suit without being hauled away for indecent exposure.
That said, if you do decide to go au naturel, consider closing your blinds and shutting the door. Your neighbors and family will thank you.
3. Jump The Lineup & Be Everywhere at OnceIf you're foolish enough to hit the stores on Black Friday, expect to wait in line. You'll wait in line to get in, wait in line to pay, wait in line for the emergency room and so on. You'll also have to dash frantically from store to store to get your hands on the best deals. That, or enlist your friends and family to divide and conquer on a potential suicide mission across the entire mall.
"Godspeed, soldier. You stand in line, I'll go try and get that cheap pottery set. We'll meet back here in half hour. If I don't return, you can have my coupons stash and collection of Fleetwood Mac albums."
When you shop online, visiting another store is a mouse click or two away. If you find yourself in a cue to buy an item, you can get up and go make yourself a coffee - and you probably won't crash into anyone running the other direction in the hallway.
4. No Boxes, Bags or CartsPlanning on decking out your home entertainment system this Black Friday? Got a lot of purchases in mind? Well, I hope you've been working out those biceps, Arnold - because going to the store means lugging all your new crap around yourself. Stuffing a cart full of your purchases seems like a great idea until the store floor becomes a demolition derby as deal hunters break the sound barrier on their way to that next door-crasher.
Not to mention that while you're waiting for a terrified stock boy to get that heavy box out of the back for you, you're burning daylight you could be spending grabbing other deals. Shopping online means no boxes, bags or carts to contend with - the goods are delivered right to your door! And with so many stores offering free shipping on Black Friday purchases, this one is really a no-brainer.
5. You're roughly 99% Less Likely To Get Trampled, Shot or Maimed While Browsing The InternetEvery year, horror stories hit the presses about the unfortunate people who wind up victims of Black Friday violence. The masses of shoppers shed any thread of decency or human kindness and become a real-life version of the zombie hoards on The Walking Dead, eating each other alive.
Whether it's being crushed in the ensuing stampede headed for that 15% off yoga pants deal, getting pepper sprayed in the face by a crazy woman over Xbox games or taking a bullet in the parking lot, Black Friday tends to bring out the very worst in humanity.
The good news is that the likelihood of a crowd of people violently bursting through your door and crushing you is about the same as the chances of Michael Bay's next movie having a fantastic storyline.
What do you think? Will you be doing your shopping online this Black Friday?
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