Halloween doesn’t get much scarier than this. A health nut is the trick-or-treater’s worst nightmare. There’s nothing worse than knocking on a door while dressed up as a flesh-eating swamp monster only to be offered an apple by a man dressed up as Richard Simmons. Flesh-eating swamp monsters only eat candy. And flesh. Apples and other fruit are to trick-or-treaters what garlic cloves are to vampires. So, in the interests of keeping it real this Halloween, here are some healthy types to avoid. Big time.
Possibly the scariest person you’ll encounter while trick and treating. The dentist will offer only tooth-friendly foods such as saliva-producing celery sticks or little pieces of calcium-rich cheese. What’s worse is they’ll lecture you about the evils of the candy being offered by the disc jockey across the road. To cap it off, they’ll charge you two hundred bucks for their ‘consultation’.
Carrots and broccoli florets. Enough said.
Ahhh, what were those vegetarian options again?
To be honest, the average bodybuilder could look much freakier than you do, even in your most painstakingly put together costume. Long and puffy veins in the forehead that throb and writhe like a venomous snake. Pectoral muscles the size of Yellowstone National Park that twitch like a just-hooked fish. Impossibly inflated biceps. All covered in a disturbing orange spray tan and baby oil. And all of this squeezed into a pair of microscopic swim trunks. Try and beat that for freakiness. As for the food choices? Your choice of chocolate or vanilla protein shakes. Or a raw egg straight out of the blender. Avoid.
OK, OK, OK we don’t want to hear that Halloween is a) sacrilegious, b) un-American, c) bad for the environment, d) created in sweat shops, e) not like it was in your day. Like Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July and every other feel good celebration, someone out there disapproves. You might want to take a gobstopper and some extra tough T.P. for special trick of treat party poopers.
Paid big bucks to keep celebrities healthy and looking good. So, chances are you’re more likely to receive an air kiss than a Hershey kiss. And a signed copy of their latest bestseller ‘1001 ways with Tofu’.
I could go on with horror stories about Halloween visits to Zumba enthusiasts, Atkins followers, nutritionists, marathon runners and Gwyneth Paltrow. But the simple trick to keep your Halloween happy and full of treats is to avoid such healthy people. You have been warned.
Guest contributor Susan Long is a stranger with candy. Find her dirt cheap, sweet, sweet treats for parents at this Car Rental site.