Five Mother’s Day gifts, seven minutes at hardware store

Dear Husband and Father of My Children,

In the seven minutes it supposedly takes to run into Farm & Fleet for wiper blades, an air filter, floor mats, spark plugs or whatever you so urgently needed, I was able to find these delightful (or at least suitable) Mother’s Day gift ideas:

Weekend Getaway to the Adirondacks
Who knew you could book a cheap vacation at the hardware store? Better yet, an Adirondack porch swing. Even though this some-assembly-required substitute lacks sweeping views of pine-topped mountains, it does offer the solace of sweet bird songs and the occasional angry
squirrel chucking a nut at my head.

Fine Art
Some fine artisan produced dozens of these one-of-a-kind sculptures. Sure, you possess the rebar and skillz to weld up your own creation. But with this eye-catching garden art, you also buy time to weed the front beds. Aw, how thoughtful.

Porter Cable Air Compressor
Stop! Focus. You’re shopping for me. Don't get distracted by the shiny power tools. Stay on track and remember that Father's Day is only a month away.

Theater
How about surprising me with some culture on date night? This 12” by 12” area of DVD selections holds at least three academy award-worthy performances by such notable thespians as Will Smith, Bill Murray and Emilio Estevez. They even have Top Secret. Paired with a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck and Thai carry-out… Stop. You had me at Two-Buck Chuck.

Sous Chef for Life
Or the next best thing. Yes, a KitchenAid stand mixer is a hefty investment. However, without demanding a sous chef’s salary, it mixes dough, makes ice cream and…wait for it…sausage!

Fashion
Burberry Plaid muck boots? This store has it all! And I think I even saw a cattle prod one aisle over.

The Moral Here
Mother’s day 2010 is May 9. Want to know what to do for me on Mother’s Day? DO ANYTHING! I’m holding the same stance I adopted on our first Mother’s Day: I better get something, anything, damn it.

In Momland, it really is the thought that counts, especially if it’s a glue-heavy card or cheesy carnation presented by a proud toddler.