Johnny Appleseed Day — September 26th

Johnny Appleseed died around March 22, 1847 in Fort Wayne, Indiana. This concludes the list of everything interesting about Fort Wayne and Indiana.

The list of interesting things about Johnny Appleseed is more substantial, and that list is why you can get someone to listen to you about Johnny Appleseed. At least, relative to the number of people who would listen to you about Fort Wayne.

John Chapman, a.k.a. Johnny Appleseed, a.k.a. Applesizzle, a.k.a. Jack Apples, was a nomadic environmental terrorist. The first illustration depicts the event where Johnny famously licked the ground prior to burning everything he could see to clear the way for his mighty orchards. His fierce facial tattoos gave him a psychological edge in battle, while his pimp hat and silky shirts were worn to both conceal his tribal scarring as well as enhance his “peacockin'” club style.

Another famous illustration comes from Harper’s New Monthly Magazine. All known copies have been destroyed of the text, but there are several legends associated with the picture. The popular story is that of a famous duel between Johnny and a birthday party magician, where Mr. Chapman bet the illusionist that a bearded juggler in a dress would be a bigger hit than some “stupid card tricks and the ol’ rabbit in a hat B.S.”

However, the most widely-accepted interpretation amongst historians is much, much darker. In this version, near the the end of his reign of terror, the wandering Johnny Appleseed came back to Ohio and spotted a ground breaking ceremony for a new Starbucks. Infuriated at the loss of one of his mightiest apple trees, Johnny tossed an apple into the air and blew a kiss at the master of ceremonies. He muttered “I am Jack’s smirking revenge,” and then burned the whole place down.

There are other accounts of Johnny Appleseed being an eccentric philanthropist, a charitable person who didn’t ask for much more than he needed and did what he could to help others along the way. Almost everyone agrees the guy was nuts, in any case.

Be sure to celebrate Johnny Appleseed Day by planting an apple tree, or performing some apple-related task. If you don’t, he may come back to life and eat you.

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