Jealousy - when family/friends hate the player

After my wife and I had a 3rd child, we outgrew our modest little home and searched for something a little bigger. I tried to stay along my usual FW mindset and looked at houses still far below our means, but due to a number of factors such as school districts, ideal neighborhood, and a suppressed market for higher end homes, and with the help of PenFed's fantastic 5/5 ARM we ended up getting a great deal on something that is fairly impressive.

It's the first and only indication we've ever given to anyone in our family that we are doing reasonably well financially. We're not millionaires, we're frugal and responsible. I deal hunt, guard my credit score religiously, and wear shoes well past their expiration date (I just got new work shoes a month ago and was excited to experience soles without holes again).

I've noticed an interesting change in many family members, since they've seen our home. There are comments about the 'richy richs', the secret millionaires, etc. Most are somewhat harmless, although there is a sister-in-law and husband that have grown to be so resentful of us that they go out of their way to avoid us, which wouldn't be as heartbreaking if it wasn't for the fact that their young children and our young children are (were) close, and are each others' only cousins. Their financial situation is shakey, entirely due to laziness; the father has gotten laid off several times and enjoyed as much unemployment benefit as possible.

We are uncomfortable sharing any good or bad news with some family; good news gets forced congratulations with masked disdain, and bad news brings condolences with twinkling eyes and breathless requests for more detail.

Do any other FWF members deal with this unexpected side effect of success? Have you ever been able to 'fix' it? My greatest concern is the part of the family that is avoiding us, resulting in cousins that will be strangers to my children.

I always thought if you have to have an ARM, you probably can't afford it.

I'm a 15-year-fixed kinda gal.

But no, I have no suggestions for you.

A couple options here:

1. Try and deal with it head on. Call them up, say you've noticed some strain in your relationship, you really value it, and you hope you haven't unknowingly offended them in some way.
2. If the parents simply won't be decent, see if you can set up get togethers for the kids, either at your place or theirs, or outings.

Live and behave the way you did when you were in your modest, little home. If people treat you differently because you're in a bigger house, then it's their issue.

How did you present the new home - as something you could reasonably afford, or as something beyond your means that just fell into your lap?

Are they resentful because you are successful, or because they assume (because you havent shown off this success before) you are faking it? Whenever I see someone with a "nice" car or home, my first thought isnt that they must be rich - it's wondering if they are one missed paycheck away from losing it all. What you are perceiving as resentment could just as well be them avoiding the BS hype while waiting for your house of cards to inevitably collapse.

I am in a similar situation as OP. The way I handle this is I always complain to my family about how I never have enough money and am always using credit cards, I tell everyone I only pay the minimum CC payment each month and am in debt all the time, and how I'm one paycheck away from financial ruin. Every year or so at a big family gathering I always casually mention bankruptcy as a possible way out for myself. When we moved into a bigger house, I mentioned to family that the house was a fixer upper and I'd never have time or funds to fix everything (nothing could be further from the truth, the house is in perfect condition).

This accomplishes two things:

1. They never ask me for money
2. They never get jealous

Of course, I am VERY well off financially, I pay off all my CC bills monthly, have no debt, house was paid for with cash, max out my Roth, etc... and this strategy of dealing with family has done me quite well.

There is one more benefit to this as well, I have indirectly helped a family member due to my strategy. In a bit of irony, one family member has told me I should "check out a website called fatwallet, where I can learn about saving money" LOL! That night I figured out their FW username (it was the same as their twitter user and other website usernames) and they have used "my financial situation" in a few of their posts, describing how thanks to my "irresponsible spending habits" they have learned first hand how important it is to be frugal...LOLOLOL

Walk like this and don't look back

Thanks for the great comments.

To answer some questions, I would have no problem writing off certain members of the family if it weren't for my children's relationships with them or their kids. I believe part of an ideal childhood is fostered through an abundance of family ties, where children grow with many cousins, etc. Since we were the first in our generation to have kids I am very sensitive to those connections shying away.

STEALfromCAG, I have always adopted a similar philosophy to yours. Although our first home was practically paid off and we haven't had debt for ages, I always lived as though we were just making it, just like everyone else. I don't think I go as far as you in terms of announcing we are on the verge of ruin, but I strongly insinuate that we are certainly not swimming in financial security.

There is an older member of the family, very financially savvy, that I know always raised an eyebrow at us; he always seemed to suspect something was amiss based on our positions at our respective companies and my lack of financial ineptitude (I've been on FWF for far longer than this ID has been around). Whenever I would drop subtle hints about us not being to swing something, he would drop subtle hints about how he thought I was full of shit. When we bought the new house, he kind of looked at me, smiled, and nodded knowingly.

I like that I can honestly tell family that we got the house w/the 5/5 ARM; most assume what erinm assumes, that we got the house because of it and will be struggling when the chips start falling. In reality, the 5/5 ARM thread on FWF should prove that it's a smart move for most. We have substantial savings and are planning on a significant upgrade to the home this fall, which is proving to be stressful because it will further reinforce that we are, as the old guy in the family likes to say "loaded". I've already started planting seeds with him, asking about HELOCs, etc. so he assumes we're borrowing up to our eyeballs to finance the improvements.

I'd be interested in hearing any other experiences or opinions on how to deal with jealous family members besides ignoring them. Again, if it weren't for the cousins disappearing I'd do just that.

There's an old british TV show called "keeping up appearances". The main character hycinth, goes to psychotically excessive legnths to make people think of her what she wants them to think - and it's always very obvious that she is doing it, and it always backfires. Don't be Hyacinth. Stop trying to convince people of this and plant seeds of that and avoid them thinking the other. This way lies madness.

STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   There is one more benefit to this as well, I have indirectly helped a family member due to my strategy. In a bit of irony, one family member has told me I should "check out a website called fatwallet, where I can learn about saving money" LOL! That night I figured out their FW username (it was the same as their twitter user and other website usernames) and they have used "my financial situation" in a few of their posts, describing how thanks to my "irresponsible spending habits" they have learned first hand how important it is to be frugal...LOLOLOLThis works great, until you post your strategy on FW and this family member reads it and starts calling your bluff....

What is 'STEALfromCAGgive2FW'?

kamalktk said:   Cowbellmaster vs Morecowbell

Will there be enough cowbell?

There can never be enough cowbell.

STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   Wow, you and your family sound real tight. Kudos for putting up the facade that you're broke, but the whole situation is sad in a way.

STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   In a bit of irony, one family member has told me I should "check out a website called fatwallet, where I can learn about saving money" LOL! That night I figured out their FW username (it was the same as their twitter user and other website usernames) and they have used "my financial situation" in a few of their posts, describing how thanks to my "irresponsible spending habits" they have learned first hand how important it is to be frugal...LOLOLOLAre you sure that you just don't have multiple accounts?

Glitch99 said:   STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   There is one more benefit to this as well, I have indirectly helped a family member due to my strategy. In a bit of irony, one family member has told me I should "check out a website called fatwallet, where I can learn about saving money" LOL! That night I figured out their FW username (it was the same as their twitter user and other website usernames) and they have used "my financial situation" in a few of their posts, describing how thanks to my "irresponsible spending habits" they have learned first hand how important it is to be frugal...LOLOLOLThis works great, until you post your strategy on FW and this family member reads it and starts calling your bluff....

I considered that, but I've posted my strategy here numerous times before over the years and no one has called me on it yet. The type of person who reads FW isn't the type of person that I'm trying to bluff.

STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   donotdrinkPBR said:   STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   Wow, you and your family sound real tight. Kudos for putting up the facade that you're broke, but the whole situation is sad in a way.

Please share all the success you've had in loaning money to family members and how perfect your family is.Are they the type that ask to borrow $ all the time?

ZenNUTS said:   STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   donotdrinkPBR said:   STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   Wow, you and your family sound real tight. Kudos for putting up the facade that you're broke, but the whole situation is sad in a way.

Please share all the success you've had in loaning money to family members and how perfect your family is.Are they the type that ask to borrow $ all the time?

Not sure, but every family has its quirks...

Hint: If you think your family doesn't have any quirks, then you're the quirk.

TravelerMSY said:   This would be one benefit of not having any family living close to you. They can only badger you about money during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Sounds like you might not have 3+ kids.

CowbellMaster said:   It's not just borrowing money, it's little things like going out to dinner with a group of couples and the hesitation when the bill comes, the furtive glance towards you as they sloooowly reach for their wallet. The feelings of entitlement directed toward you when someone suggests splitting a PPV event but you know the assumption is you'll take care of it.

That said, I love to be generous to my family and friends when I can be, I just want it to be on my terms, and I want it to be reasonable. Just because I'm financially responsible doesn't mean I'm P. Diddy.

This is the worst. My friends managed to find out that I'm making much more money than they are (2-6x as much), and sometimes it's expected I pay for certain things. If I want to pay for something I will, otherwise just pay for your own stuff.

I can only imagine how awkward a couples thing would be.

STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   donotdrinkPBR said:   STEALfromCAGgive2FW said:   Wow, you and your family sound real tight. Kudos for putting up the facade that you're broke, but the whole situation is sad in a way.

Please share all the success you've had in loaning money to family members and how perfect your family is.No need to get defensive, I'm not sure why you'd care what I think anyway.

Understandable response from your side I suppose, but I'm in no way criticizing you or claiming to have a perfect family. I have plenty of stories to share about my family members and some of their completely nonsensical and outlandish financial decisions that would make everyone here cringe. I guess my point is that I just couldn't blatantly lie to my family like that. It obviously works for you, which is all that matters.

orangespot said:   This is a really important topic. I was well off when I was younger and unfortunately this attracted a psychopath. For those who don't know, a psychopath is basically a very envious person. The ones that kill are just so envious of your existence that they don't want you to have it. They envy the look on your face and they want to change it from smug to pained.

As it turns out, where there is envy, there is more envy. This stuff runs in families. It's part of the cluster b personality disorders (aka "the dramatic" personality disorders. If the parents have envy, it will likely be passed on to the kids (not necessarily, but likely). That's why those cousins may not be the best playmates for your kids. Find some friends who have kids and make that your new family.

Having healthy relationships is even more important than having money. For every unhealthy relationship you invest in, you are missing out on a healthy one that can help you grow as a person.

I've cut off the bad ones in my family. They are actually psychopaths who would kill off siblings so they can inherit my parents' money, if they could get away with it. My psychopathic sister and her P-husband plotted to put my P-brother in jail, but I foiled their plans. They managed to get the P-husband's brother to kill himself, (one down)and they planned (along with my own P-ex-husband) on my suicide. None of this is obvious, it's all done under a disguise (tough love or whatever).

Sounds like an A-Team episode script. Thanks for the psychopath definition BTW. I didn't know what a psychopath was until you succinctly defined one...