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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and live together. He is a good and genuine person, but is very irresponsible when it comes to personal finance. He came into the relationship with about $5K in debt. I sat down with him, tried to teach him, made him read Suze Orman & Ramit Sethi books, and put together a plan so that he was able to pay it all off in about 6 months. Shortly after, I found out that he had a few hundred more in high interest debt that he had been hiding. He said that he was embarrassed about it and wanted to handle it himself because a grown man should be able to do it without his girlfriend's help. I was pissed that after all of our planning, he was still making stupid decisions and hiding debt from me. We eventually got through it and he paid it off. As far as I knew, he was debt free and saving up an emergency fund and Roth IRA.

Then yesterday, I found out about another $500 in debt at 20% APR that he has had for 2 years on BillMeLater.com. I had him subscribe to MyFICO.com, so I can monitor his FICO score and credit report but for some reason, this line of credit did not show up on the report. He originally spent $400 on Christmas presents in 2010 and has bought nothing since then. He has only been making small payments occasionally and has racked up $735 in interest and late fees over 2 years. He never thought it was urgent because only a few bucks in interest and fees were tacked on each month. He didn't realize that it all adds up until I showed him the $735 total that he flushed down the drain. The kicker is that he has the money to pay it off in his savings! He again said that he hid that debt from me because he was embarrassed and wanted to feel like he could take care of it without my help. He also didn't use his savings to pay it off because he wanted me to be proud of him because he was saving.

Overall, the amount of his debt was never a big deal. He's not spending lavishly. It's just that he is so incredibly stupid about personal finance. It is astounding to me that after 3 years of working hard to teach him, he still isn't able to grasp personal finance. I feel like this is a road block to our relationship moving forward towards marriage. I am pretty well off at age 29 and am very responsible and frugal. He has never asked for a dime from me, but I don't want his money problems to drag me down. He is a great person, so I don't want to lose him. Is there anything else we can do to fix our problems? Or is he hopeless?

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No disrespect to any females but a woman's physical attractiveness score is an accelerated depreciating asset. That's on... (more)

ubermichaelthomas (Nov. 25, 2012 @ 9:46a) |

Yeah, cause men's looks NEVER depreciate!

suezyque (Nov. 25, 2012 @ 10:51a) |

As guys get older their earnings typically, not always, continue to rise. The bulge in the pocketbook is what helps them... (more)

letsspendlotsofmoney (Nov. 25, 2012 @ 12:37p) |

Cliffs Notes:

OP's BF may be slightly to somewhat financially irresponsible and potentially a liar.

OP may be a psycho hose beast.

Their relationship is doomed; just a matter of time.
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I'd be less concerned about the debt (which can be fixed in a straightforward manner) and more concerned about the hiding of the debt (which can't). What else isn't he telling you?

Posting a pic will get a better response, assuming your goal of this thread is to find a new, financially-responsible boyfriend, which is probably your best bet.

dude.....every single one of your posts is for requesting pix.....ubermichaelthomas said:   Posting a pic will get a better response, assuming your goal of this thread is to find a new, financially-responsible boyfriend, which is probably your best bet.

kloakndaggers said:   dude.....every single one of your posts is for requesting pix.....ubermichaelthomas said:   Posting a pic will get a better response, assuming your goal of this thread is to find a new, financially-responsible boyfriend, which is probably your best bet.

TripleB reincarnated!

tell him you wear the pants in the house and to let you control all the money. I can manage money fine but I give full control of all my finances to the wife since she actually has time take care of it all. It's not bad, she pays the bills manages tons of cc (appoorrammma and rewards) and other stuff.

If he learns, then let him be but if not tell him you want to take control of it so you can manage it. You are only bf/gf so that maybe uncomfy till you are married but that's what I would doMitsuko said:   My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and live together. He is a good and genuine person, but is very irresponsible when it comes to personal finance. He came into the relationship with about $5K in debt. I sat down with him, tried to teach him, made him read Suze Orman & Ramit Sethi books, and put together a plan so that he was able to pay it all off in about 6 months. Shortly after, I found out that he had a few hundred more in high interest debt that he had been hiding. He said that he was embarrassed about it and wanted to handle it himself because a grown man should be able to do it without his girlfriend's help. I was pissed that after all of our planning, he was still making stupid decisions and hiding debt from me. We eventually got through it and he paid it off. As far as I knew, he was debt free and saving up an emergency fund and Roth IRA.

Then yesterday, I found out about another $500 in debt at 20% APR that he has had for 2 years on BillMeLater.com. I had him subscribe to MyFICO.com, so I can monitor his FICO score and credit report but for some reason, this line of credit did not show up on the report. He originally spent $400 on Christmas presents in 2010 and has bought nothing since then. He has only been making small payments occasionally and has racked up $735 in interest and late fees over 2 years. He never thought it was urgent because only a few bucks in interest and fees were tacked on each month. He didn't realize that it all adds up until I showed him the $735 total that he flushed down the drain. The kicker is that he has the money to pay it off in his savings! He again said that he hid that debt from me because he was embarrassed and wanted to feel like he could take care of it without my help. He also didn't use his savings to pay it off because he wanted me to be proud of him because he was saving.

Overall, the amount of his debt was never a big deal. He's not spending lavishly. It's just that he is so incredibly stupid about personal finance. It is astounding to me that after 3 years of working hard to teach him, he still isn't able to grasp personal finance. I feel like this is a road block to our relationship moving forward towards marriage. I am pretty well off at age 29 and am very responsible and frugal. He has never asked for a dime from me, but I don't want his money problems to drag me down. He is a great person, so I don't want to lose him. Is there anything else we can do to fix our problems? Or is he hopeless?

I would agree with glorealbert. The issue is that he keeps hiding the debt. Also, he has consistently proven unable to handle finances and seems to be the type that is a "debt time bomb." If he doesn't have a major debt issue yet, he will one day, and you won't find out about it until it is too late.

There seems to be a huge education gap between the two of you. The bill me now issue would be particularly concerning to me. While the amount was small, it seems to indicate a complete lack of financial or educational sense. This will only get magnified in the future.

ubermichaelthomas said:   Posting a pic will get a better response, assuming your goal of this thread is to find a new, financially-responsible boyfriend, which is probably your best bet.
C'mon, this is your response in everythread. It's not even done in a funny way, as most posters manage to achieve. You only come across as a creeper.

Mitsuko said:   He is a good and genuine personHe is a liar. If he lies to you about finances, he will lie to you about other things too.

gloreglabert said:   I'd be less concerned about the debt (which can be fixed in a straightforward manner) and more concerned about the hiding of the debt (which can't). What else isn't he telling you?

I completely agree. We're together all the time, so I'm not too worried about him doing anything crazy behind my back. We live & work together, and he never goes out without me. However, the hiding of his debt has lead to serious trust issues in our relationship. I don't like that I have to monitor his finances like this. I think me watching over his decisions may have lead him to hiding things - like he's trying to rebel, in a sense. I don't know.

Just a side note....
A very good friend (no, not me) found out his wife had been charging stuff without his knowledge about 5 years ago. They sat down and 4 years later (@$50k) they were paid off and boom...she had been doing it again. She is a teacher and also worked p/t at Ann Taylor.
So the trust had been breached and the divorce is almost final.
There are other things your b/f is hiding from you. Either cut him loose or go to therapy.

Hopefully he likes a controlling dependent relationship, otherwise the rest doesn't matter.

kloakndaggers said:   tell him you wear the pants in the house and to let you control all the money. I can manage money fine but I give full control of all my finances to the wife since she actually has time take care of it all. It's not bad, she pays the bills manages tons of cc (appoorrammma and rewards) and other stuff.

If he learns, then let him be but if not tell him you want to take control of it so you can manage it. You are only bf/gf so that maybe uncomfy till you are married but that's what I would do


Yes, you're right about it being uncomfortable since we're only bf/gf. I think if I were in his shoes, I would not be comfortable with someone that I am not married to trying to control my finances. However, I think I'm only trying to help and he clearly needs the help.

Women always think they can change a man.

Mitsuko said:   He said that he was embarrassed about it and wanted to handle it himself because a grown man should be able to do it without his girlfriend's help.

He again said that he hid that debt from me because he was embarrassed and wanted to feel like he could take care of it without my help.

He also didn't use his savings to pay it off because he wanted me to be proud of him because he was saving.

I hope I am not sounding rude but this sounds very immature on his part.
Also, repeated lying and hiding things is a big no-no.

Personally when you discuss this with him, I suggest approaching this not from the money angle but from the lying angle. IMHO, makes sense to say - hey, listen, it is not about the money, it is about trust. You lied to me twice already and this is a BIG deal. How do I know that you will not lie to me again and again in the future?

I think you need to be having this conversation with your boyfriend.

You should be telling him that you are concerned he is hiding the debt and that it is a roadblock to your relationship moving forward.
If he doesn't know your mindset, then you are just as guilty of hiding things.

Ask him how he feels about you handling all the finances as your relationship moves forward. If he hasn't figured it out at this stage of the game, he probably won't.

Nothing is going to get resolved talking to strangers on a forum.

Playing house with a liar never ends well. Grow up and find a man to marry and make babies with.

Mitsuko said:   kloakndaggers said:   tell him you wear the pants in the house and to let you control all the money. I can manage money fine but I give full control of all my finances to the wife since she actually has time take care of it all. It's not bad, she pays the bills manages tons of cc (appoorrammma and rewards) and other stuff.

If he learns, then let him be but if not tell him you want to take control of it so you can manage it. You are only bf/gf so that maybe uncomfy till you are married but that's what I would do


Yes, you're right about it being uncomfortable since we're only bf/gf. I think if I were in his shoes, I would not be comfortable with someone that I am not married to trying to control my finances. However, I think I'm only trying to help and he clearly needs the help.

This is only the tip of the iceberg. 5000 will become 50,000 in the future.

BenH said:   I think you need to be having this conversation with your boyfriend.

You should be telling him that you are concerned he is hiding the debt and that it is a roadblock to your relationship moving forward.
If he doesn't know your mindset, then you are just as guilty of hiding things.

Ask him how he feels about you handling all the finances as your relationship moves forward. If he hasn't figured it out at this stage of the game, he probably won't.

Nothing is going to get resolved talking to strangers on a forum.


Yes, of course I'm going to have this conversation with my boyfriend. I do think talking to strangers on FW will help though. I am to the point where I don't know if our conversation should be about how to work through this and stay together or how he should pack up all of his sh*t and leave.

JaxFL said:   Hopefully he likes a controlling dependent relationship, otherwise the rest doesn't matter
Some guys derive pleasure from such tugging and flow restriction

Mitsuko said:   BenH said:   I think you need to be having this conversation with your boyfriend.

You should be telling him that you are concerned he is hiding the debt and that it is a roadblock to your relationship moving forward.
If he doesn't know your mindset, then you are just as guilty of hiding things.

Ask him how he feels about you handling all the finances as your relationship moves forward. If he hasn't figured it out at this stage of the game, he probably won't.

Nothing is going to get resolved talking to strangers on a forum.


Yes, of course I'm going to have this conversation with my boyfriend. I do think talking to strangers on FW will help though. I am to the point where I don't know if our conversation should be about how to work through this and stay together or how he should pack up all of his sh*t and leave.

You'll need to come to this decision yourself. I can tell you that most of the prior responses are correct. You can't change his financial habits, just accept that. You either need to be in an arrangement where you completely control his finances and give him an allowance for daily spending. Or just get out of the relationship now. If you intend to take charge of the checkbook and credit cards, he may resent the financial babysitting. There are couples where one or the other controls all the spending and finances. But if he's hid stuff from you, that's not a good sign. Good luck

You're his girlfriend, not his wife. You don't have much say in what he does with his money. If you don't like it, leave. You're monitoring his FICO because he has 5K in debt, and you say he was hiding a paltry sum of $500. Move on or stop being petty.

You didn't happen to scream at him about staying in a motel recently, did you?

You won't be able to change him. He's a man child who needs his GF to monitor his finances via MyFico.

RedCelicaGT said:   You're his girlfriend, not his wife. You don't have much say in what he does with his money. If you don't like it, leave. You're monitoring his FICO because he has 5K in debt, and you say he was hiding a paltry sum of $500. Move on or stop being petty.

You didn't happen to recently scream at him about staying in a motel recently, did you?

The issue is that OP is at the point where she is evaluating moving on or
moving to the next level. It's not about the 5k; it's about the BFs financial illiteracy and lying.

qwerty12345otron said:   There seems to be a huge education gap between the two of you. The bill me now issue would be particularly concerning to me. While the amount was small, it seems to indicate a complete lack of financial or educational sense. This will only get magnified in the future.

You're right about the educational gap. I have a doctorate. Many people on this forum are far less educated, but far more financially savvy than me. That is why I've had hope for years that my boyfriend could learn, change, and grow up. Now I'm thinking I've been wrong.

Cashman said:   kloakndaggers said:   dude.....every single one of your posts is for requesting pix.....ubermichaelthomas said:   Posting a pic will get a better response, assuming your goal of this thread is to find a new, financially-responsible boyfriend, which is probably your best bet.

TripleB reincarnated!


i wish it was TripleB, his posts have me a chuckle at least, instead of annoying me

Mitsuko said:   qwerty12345otron said:   There seems to be a huge education gap between the two of you. The bill me now issue would be particularly concerning to me. While the amount was small, it seems to indicate a complete lack of financial or educational sense. This will only get magnified in the future.

You're right about the educational gap. I have a doctorate. Many people on this forum are far less educated, but far more financially savvy than me. That is why I've had hope for years that my boyfriend could learn, change, and grow up. Now I'm thinking I've been wrong.


I think you have a feeling of what the forum or an impartial observer thinks/would think. The key question now is how are you going to approach it with your BF. My sense is that you have tried in many different ways to educate and discuss this with him.

Agree with Kevo. You are able to manage him and his finances now because you are not married yet. If he continues this after you get married and you have kids, it is going to be a very frustrating life for you. Men seldom change their habits especially if they have somebody to cover them up or take care of their downfalls. And I am talking from my friend's personal experience. He is not the only nice man on earth. Find another one.

unnamedone said:   Women always think they can change a man.

And after they successfully manage to do that, they lament that the guy is no longer the same guy that they loved and married!

At least he doesn't have 50k in Student Loan debt for a liberal arts major.

I truly do appreciate all of your responses. My family and friends adore him, so I can't get impartial advice from those who are usually there for me. Most of the people in my life couldn't tell you what an IRA is, so they would also think that I'm being petty or all I care about is money. This is something that my boyfriend & I have been working on for years, and he's not making much progress. I know there are possibilities such as financial and relationship counseling, but I just don't know how much more I want to deal with. I guess it's time to sit down with him and see what he's got to say. It's hard for me to give up on him, but right now all I want to do is kick his a$$ to the curb.

qwerty12345otron said:   ubermichaelthomas said:   Posting a pic will get a better response, assuming your goal of this thread is to find a new, financially-responsible boyfriend, which is probably your best bet.
C'mon, this is your response in everythread. It's not even done in a funny way, as most posters manage to achieve. You only come across as a creeper.


Lighten up.

I learned a long time ago that you cannot change anyone, except yourself, and even that is very hard. It shouldn't be your job, nor should you think it should be your job to monitor his finances. He is a grown man I presume. If he hasn't learned anything from the training you've provided, then it's probably hopeless. I'm sure his financial outlook is partly because of how he was raised. My guess is that his parents weren't financially responsible people either. A good marriage is based on trust. Do you want to feel this way for the rest of your lives? The anger and resentment will only multiply over time. If you marry him and co-mingle finances, he can and will bring both of you down. I'm sure you love him or you wouldn't still be with him, but many times love isn't enough if both people aren't on the same page with serious issues. Some things can be worked through, some cannot.

OP, how did you find out about the latest $500 debt? You mentioned that it didn't show up on MyFICO, and that your man was hiding it, so how did it finally come out?

OP just called her dearly beloved boyfriend an idiot in a public forum. Things that make me go "hmmmmmmm....".

Mitsuko said:   gloreglabert said:   I'd be less concerned about the debt (which can be fixed in a straightforward manner) and more concerned about the hiding of the debt (which can't). What else isn't he telling you?

I completely agree. We're together all the time, so I'm not too worried about him doing anything crazy behind my back. We live & work together, and he never goes out without me. However, the hiding of his debt has lead to serious trust issues in our relationship. I don't like that I have to monitor his finances like this. I think me watching over his decisions may have lead him to hiding things - like he's trying to rebel, in a sense. I don't know.


Tsk tsk......

Not to sound like a jerk, but it doesn't seem like you respect your BF very much to talk about him in such a manner. If I found out that my SO was talking about me in such a way, then I wouldn't be too happy. But then again it sounds like your BF is pretty whipped though. You must be super hot.

dbond79 said:   OP, how did you find out about the latest $500 debt? You mentioned that it didn't show up on MyFICO, and that your man was hiding it, so how did it finally come out?

I found the statement and asked him about it. He gave me his log in and PW for BillMeLater.com where I looked through his online statements for the last 2 years. There were 14!!! late fees at $35 each, on top of the 20% APR. He said he didn't realize how much money he was wasting because he doesn't look at his statements very closely. He said he was "bad at this stuff". More importantly, he HAS the cash to pay this balance off but for some reason, decided to mostly ignore it. What the heck?

Consider that you cannot change him. Is this a deal breaker for you? If so, move on. Find someone with less issues that you don't find so offensive. If not, take over his finances, assuming he'll let you, and impose restrictions on spending. Know that whatever you save him will be gone in flash if you break up...

Another weird thing - he signed up with MyFico.com a year ago. He had his credit checked just a few months ago when we were filling out rental applications. This line of credit with BillMeLater.com did not show up anywhere. The 14 late fees also did not show up. His FICO is not great, but also not horrible at 672. I don't understand how this could be.

Skipping 148 Messages...
suezyque said:   ubermichaelthomas said:   whodini said:   As has been speculated by some, the OP's physical attractiveness score may be downward sloping.

No disrespect to any females but a woman's physical attractiveness score is an accelerated depreciating asset. That's one reason I prefer men.


Yeah, cause men's looks NEVER depreciate!


As guys get older their earnings typically, not always, continue to rise. The bulge in the pocketbook is what helps them attract much younger newer models.... After the first divorce for most men, they do not want to be caught with a depreciating asset...

Driving classic old beauties... Only works with cars.... Not women.... Unless she comes with substantial assets...



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