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Really? You have three children under eight (maybe six?) and you told your wife you need more fun? Please enlighten us on what she does in any 24 hours.

Greatness said:   glxpass said:   
I hope you are both unmarried and childless.


Guess I hit too close to the nerve with the backbone comment and you (and others) took it personally. Hey, it's not my fault your spine was left at the alter. There is nothing wrong in having a 50/50 equal relationship. It is possible. It just seems there are a good many of men who hand over their spine, amongst other assets of theirs, to their wife and they are basically a drone.. Can I have this dear. Can I do that dear. WTH. It's your money too. You are adults. You do not nor should not ask for permission to live a little. I mean, come on, after all necessities are paid off, retirement is funded, have savings and emergency set a side, you should be able to spend some of your (both of yours) money to make you happy.. Be a man.. Not a boy... Doubtful a wife wants their husband as another child.

Maybe this would help a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GXPd0fnpKw

I took exception to how you expressed yourself (children as "liabilities", deciding jointly on major financial decisions equates to having no backbone, etc). There is nothing wrong or inferior with being unmarried and childless, but most of your comments (if meant seriously) indicate you're not ready for either marriage or children -- thus my hope that you were neither married nor had kids. BTW, one of the nice things about a good marriage is that seeing your spouse and children happy actually makes *you* happy. Encouraging your spouse to "live a little" or supporting their desire to do so can certainly fall within those parameters.

If I wanted an $80k sports car or whatever for my own pleasure, then it's only fair my spouse should also be able to spend $80K to indulge herself. That's an example of a 50/50 partnership, and, as you said, marriage should be a 50/50 partnership. Unfortunately, most of us don't consider $160K as fun money -- at least that seems true for OP -- and $160K is thus way beyond living a little.

Mutual agreement to major financial expenditures Is part of a 50/50 partnership. Spending to finance a midlife crisis doesn't change this. The desire to hide money from his spouse indicates a midlife crisis isn't the only problem OP has.

Yes, as bewildering and logical, but unemotional my posts were, I do have a point. However, I am looking at this as a fiscal, not emotional issue. You, of course (who's not even the OP), took it as an emotional issue. If you or someone else wants to have one or twenty-one kids, that's fine. However, do not come crying the blues on how I have a crisis and how do I break it to my spouse anonymously in a forum. These things, such as kids, should be thought out completely. Notice that it will take substantial sacrifice and things need to be planned and not done on a whim six or eight months in the future. More like six to eight years in the future would make more sense. It is not like the OP did not know he was eventually not going to turn 40. Now, in a fiscal sense, regardless of emotion, they are considered liabilities. Hence the reason why the IRS gives you a child/children credit. However, asking for "permission" or how to break it to her. That is not something that should have to be done. It should be discussed and agreement upon, but one should not have to seek someone else's permission. It goes both ways, not just one. She should not have to, and I bet she doesn't, ask for permission to buy things that she likes either. Which, again, there is nothing wrong with that. Now, 160k or even an 80k car, for most people, a bit out of means and makes no fiscal or logical sense. Now, buying a used sports car, such as many other posters have done/suggested, makes some sense. However, there really is no logic in needing a second car; let alone a sports car. That is neither here nor there. The object of my response was the way he approached it. A spouse, man or woman, should not have to run to the other pleading them on why and if they can get it. That is not an equal partnership. The better way would be is say, I want to purchase a sports car for my 40th or later birthday. I would like to set aside 500, 1000, whatever amount a month for my mid-life crisis purchase. That would make sense.

Your posts, however, emotionally sound in point, are, from a fiscal or logical point, illogical. There are no emotions in logic nor fiscal discussions. This is why numbers are so great. It takes the emotions out of every equation, and they never lie.

Greatness said:   Yes, as bewildering and logical, but unemotional my posts were, I do have a point. However, I am looking at this as a fiscal, not emotional issue.
You seem to have forgotten your original post:
Who told you to have three additional liabilities like that? Not a very financially sound decision. But, still, it's half your money... After necessary expenses and savings are met, then you should take some for your own personal use. I mean really, you really need to work on that backbone of yours...

For the life of me, I do not understand, why married men turn into cowards with their wives.. I mean, most were men before marriage.. After the vows they just lost their backbone?

Naturally, having kids is more than just a financial decision. It's only a financially unsound decision if one can't afford it, and that doesn't seem to be the case with OP. Clearly the reasons for having kids go way beyond affordability, in fact, parenting is a serious responsibility and not to be treated as purely an entry on a balance sheet. If you disagree with that, you shouldn't have kids.

Ask yourself whether most of your above post doesn't in fact contain opinions and generalizations rather than "looking at this as a fiscal, not emotional issue.". It's those opinions and generalizations that I (and apparently others) objected to.

If you think concern with one's spouse's reaction to spending indicates a lack of backbone on one's part, then perhaps you should think carefully whether getting married is the right decision for you. BTW, coming to a mutual agreement on discretionary spending means "permission" has been given at some level.

I consider our assets as belonging to both of us. Beyond a certain percentage of our net worth, you can bet I'll consult with my spouse before spending those funds on myself. The reason is simple: we don't just live in the present, but try to provide for the future. It's interesting that our greatest discretionary spending tends to focus on things we want as a family, not on individual pleasures.

Who said I was speaking about me? I am doing fine, but thanks for asking. When did I post something about me or my significant other or our children? Never. We budget. :') If I know I want something in the future, or if she wants something in the future, we talk about it and ways to save up for it. I never, and she's never (that I know of) hid any money from either of us. As for the kids, it really depends what a couple can afford, as well as where a couple lives. I would never go for three kids, so that would never work for me. Two is a remote possibility as well. My spouse knew this going in. We do not buy on debt, but we do save if we want something. There has to be a healthy balance. I understand saving for the children's college, AFTER the parents are set for retirement. You know, there are college loans that can be taken out for college. Last time I checked, there are no loans that can be taken out for retirement. Kids are a difficult business, as is marriage, and both need a plan of action and a BUDGET. This budget should also include some enjoyment money for both. Again, not sure about 160k or even 80k, but a used sports car should not be out of the issue; pending financial review.

You are the one bring you and attempting to bring others outside the OP into this. This post has nothing to do with you and me. The post has to do with the OP. Fact, the OP has three kids. Fact, he's complaining that the wife is saving for the kids college and whatever else. Fact he's complaining / considering hiding money from his spouse in order to afford this mid life crisis car. Where did I say it was okay or good to hide anything from a spouse? I did say it was half his money, both his and hers (if she earns a wage from another job. Raising kids are hard enough). If he thought more about the future, and let's say, two or three years ago, discussed this with his spouse and found a way to save for it, the money would be there. What he can do, is put a savings plan together, and maybe in a few years, he would be able to buy a used sports car outright. It is all about communication. While one person should be managing the finances, I do believe in peer, or in this case, spousal review at will. You cannot have two captains at the helm. You can, however, have a Captain and XO at the helm. For you non-vets, XO stands for executive officer, second in command.

Link: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2013/02/08/marriage-money-secrets-fi...

FWIW, I agree with most of your above post. Your comment "it is all about communication" is key. The rest of the details will vary based on the circumstances. IMO, there is no standard model, such as your Captain/XO approach, that fits every marital relationship. Some spouses are content to leave most financial decisions to the other spouse; others want to have an equally active role in financial decision making. Roles, financial and otherwise, can certainly be dynamic.

Being honest and open about one's desires is pertinent to OP's situation. I agree that coming up with a mutually agreed upon savings plan for any significant expenditure is a wise idea. We are not so far apart in those matters.

OP, dumb question for you, but can you afford it?

http://www.suzeorman.com/the-suze-orman-show/be-a-guest-on-the-s...

Maybe if it has Suze Orman's stamp of approval, it might be more acceptable to the wife.

markkundinger said:   realistically, how smart are the kids? maybe you don't need a college fund.

Are you asking if the kids are smart enough to get scholarships or dumb enough not to bother with college?

jkimcpa said:   I started a betterment account for this exact reason a few years back. Expect a thread from me in a decade..."my mid-life crisis account is at $1XX,000 what should I blow my money on?"
Great planning! If everything else is in order, and you have that much in the planned account, the answer is obviously, whatever the F... you want!

Kids are definitely a financial benefit for the low income / welfare segment of the population, many if whom use having more children as a way to get larger govt checks , more aid , more daycare paid by the govt to their relatives, etc

I am starting to think maybe she is planning on buying me a pretty big gift for my 40. I think its part of the reason she gets so irritated when I bring it up. Surprised no one thought of this, guess everyone on FWF is cynical.

Anyway, I am going to start saving jsut in case. Will post an update in August as to the outcome.

kinggofg said:   I am starting to think maybe she is planning on buying me a pretty big gift for my 40. I think its part of the reason she gets so irritated when I bring it up. Surprised no one thought of this, guess everyone on FWF is cynical.

Anyway, I am going to start saving jsut in case. Will post an update in August as to the outcome.


Wow.

kinggofg said:   my finances are pretty much completely transparent to my wife

taking the bait here...


So she is hiding money from you for your birthday?

Here's what I did - told my wife I wanted a new car and purchased a used Dodge Charger SRT-8 with the big hemi engine - still has 4 doors and does a 12.9 second quarter mile - probably can get one for less than $25K. All my wife's friends were saying "at least he just traded in the car, not you for a newer model"....

I think the best way to finance a midlife crisis is not to have one. Live the life you want to lead from the start.

wvtalbot said:   I think the best way to finance a midlife crisis is not to have one. Live the life you want to lead from the start.Basically no marriage no kids. I tell my friends this all the time.

bk8miller said:   Here's what I did - told my wife I wanted a new car and purchased a used Dodge Charger SRT-8 with the big hemi engine - still has 4 doors and does a 12.9 second quarter mile - probably can get one for less than $25K. All my wife's friends were saying "at least he just traded in the car, not you for a newer model"....I sort of have the reverse issue.

I have a 2001 Jetta TDI that still runs great, although starting to look somewhat "used" and since her car is a Cooper; it's the car we have to use when are driving more than just us two.

My wife keep suggesting that maybe I should get a "nicer" car (I cover the Jetta's ears when she says that) and "we can afford something better".

Sheesh, you would think that she would appreciate the fact that I don't have a desire to trade up to a younger model!

Can you just go to Vegas and pay for a 3-some with 2 girls? I bet that'd satisfy your midlife crisis. I did something similar for my 27th, since I was getting close to 28. Not sure what I'm going to do this year.

Al3xK said:   Can you just go to Vegas and pay for a 3-some with 2 girls? I bet that'd satisfy your midlife crisis. I did something similar for my 27th, since I was getting close to 28. Not sure what I'm going to do this year.. Since I was getting close to 28...lmao roflmao... Not sure what that says bout you.... Except possibly maturity level...no offense. Everybody likes agood laugh.

I was mostly trying to get a laugh lol. But in all seriousness, I think OP can go blow $6k in Vegas on a couple hookers, strip clubs, gambling, etc. and just get some crazy out of his system.

Sounds like he desires some new/big excitement in his life to satisfy a craving. A "Hall Pass" from the wife might work.

Hall Pass? Best. Wife. Ever.

Al3xK said:   I was mostly trying to get a laugh lol. But in all seriousness, I think OP can go blow $6k in Vegas on a couple hookers, strip clubs, gambling, etc. and just get some crazy out of his system.

Sounds like he desires some new/big excitement in his life to satisfy a craving. A "Hall Pass" from the wife might work.
Yeah... A car...well I should say... luxury sports automobile...in ops case... Would not be top of my list...I think that'd just solidify my complacency.

I'm guessing most wives aren't going to be any more thrilled about hookers in Vegas than a new car.

Too much to read.

1. No matter what they say, do NOT buy BMW.
2. 2008+ Miata is what you need.
3. Thank me later.

Oops, forgot most importang thing. Do NOT ask your wife. Made a decision yourself, and continue to do so.

stamarev said:   Oops, forgot most importang thing. Do NOT ask your wife. Made a decision yourself, and continue to do so.

Sounds like the foundation of a great marriage!

markkundinger said:   realistically, how smart are the kids? maybe you don't need a college fund.

I mean, if they are REALLY smart, maybe they can all get full-tuition scholarship to top schools.

ChumChurum said:   markkundinger said:   realistically, how smart are the kids? maybe you don't need a college fund.

I mean, if they are REALLY smart, maybe they can all get full-tuition scholarship to top schools.


top schools typically do not provide merit-based scholarships

TheDragonn said:   stamarev said:   Oops, forgot most importang thing. Do NOT ask your wife. Made a decision yourself, and continue to do so.

Sounds like the foundation of a great marriage!

Now OP is trying to pass the decision making to his wife. Do you think she is happy to see such a behavoir? Even if they compromise now, how many more "accomodations" are going to be required later? Look at it through wife's eyes. A little late for a foundation, but still not too late.

If he new that the responsibility is his only, he would not even start this topic, not even thinking of buying $80k car.

Buy an hybrid, save money on gas in long run.

Couple of updates for anyone interested:

My wife finally caved one night after I sat down with her and tried to explain, not jokingly, why it was important to me, but before giving the ok she said "Don't you have some money hidden away somwhere?!?" HA!

She was NOT planning on getting me a car for my birthday. She really didn't even realize it was my 40th coming up.

The biggest road block ended up being that we only have a 2 car garage. She really did not want a car sitting in the driveway all summer. (winter I would store it offsite). I found somone renting a garage down the street, so it will live there. Problem solved.

She is still crazed with the college fund. I did really cut back and start saving. No app-o-ramas, but I havn't bought anyhting for myself since the original post, I sold a bunch of stuff on eBay. I even tried generic costco formula for the babies. This drove her insane...

Her final thoughts were: "its up to you, make sure we put x in the collge funds this year, and I don't want to hear about the car, don't want to think about it, don't want to see it everyday." That was about 2 weeks ago.

I ended up going with some of the advice in here and got an older BMW convertible. It was a little over the $6000 budget as I didn't get a "project"; the E30 seemed to old, the E36 ugly and the E92 ones too expensive, so went with an E46, black on black, its fun, has a back seat if needed, not impossible to work on myself, didn't break the bank.

Thanks for everyones advice. Some good thoughts in this thread. In the end communication was key. I think money can become an issue in ANY relationship, whether you are living paycheck to paycheck or are comfortable. Actions also speak louder than words sometimes, she knew I was serious when I cut back so hard on spending and sold stuff.

jaimelobo said:   bk8miller said:   Here's what I did - told my wife I wanted a new car and purchased a used Dodge Charger SRT-8 with the big hemi engine - still has 4 doors and does a 12.9 second quarter mile - probably can get one for less than $25K. All my wife's friends were saying "at least he just traded in the car, not you for a newer model"....I sort of have the reverse issue.

I have a 2001 Jetta TDI that still runs great, although starting to look somewhat "used" and since her car is a Cooper; it's the car we have to use when are driving more than just us two.

My wife keep suggesting that maybe I should get a "nicer" car (I cover the Jetta's ears when she says that) and "we can afford something better".

Sheesh, you would think that she would appreciate the fact that I don't have a desire to trade up to a younger model!


We had a Passat TDI for a while. Man that was a great car. Maybe sell your Jetta and "upgrade" to an 05 passat. Same TDI economics, little bigger, leather, little nicer ride. I think the B5.5 platform is timeless. An 01 TDI will last forever, but so will an 05.

Thanks OP for informing back what you did. This is so refreshing compared to many other threads. Hope this takes care of your "crisis" and you can get back to usual business.

Glad you figured it out. I just got rid of my X5 and bought a 2013 VW GTI. Big change, but financially smart and still maintains some fun-factor. I'll have another M3 and/or X5 someday. Right now, I have a wedding to save for.

I suddenly realized that I was probably considered "middle-aged" when I turned 55. Never really thought about it before. Never considered having a mid-life crisis, either. Guess it's not for everybody.

I had my first mid-life crisis at 25...

kinggofg said:   the E36 ugly

The E36 is probably the perfect car. It's got great balance, classic german looks, economical to operate and maintain (parts are cheap), they're cheap. The E46 is heavier and a lot more expensive on maintenance.

I'm going with the other guys that said why not be a man and tell your wife what you're going to do. Don't tiptoe around the issue, women want a man that takes control.

lol...I can't believe there is a thread about this! I turn 40 in July and I am doing the same thing...shopping for a sports car. I set a budget though and started planning last year. I am going to spend $18k or less on a used two-seater convertible! I live in the North East so I am keeping my current car and getting this to only drive in the summer. I figure I will keep it two years and get rid of it. Anyone who went through this last year want to sell me the car they bought for their "midlife crisis"?



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