How to Beat the High Cost of Divorce?

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How to Beat the High Cost of Divorce

How Couples Can Split Without Spending a Fortune With Online Services, Mediation

By ANNE-MARIE DORNING

Estimates suggest that 50 percent of all people who get married stay married.

Good for them. This is about the other half: the ones for whom the dream of till death do us part wind up in the reality of divorce.

A couple thinking of uncoupling these days faces a wide range of choices: from a full-blown litigated custody battle, to a mediated settlement, to a quick click on No Fault Divorce Online, a Web site that promises a fast and easy divorce for as little as $28.95.

So how do you choose the divorce that's right for you?

Clearly many couples will be lured by the promise of a cheap and painless digital divorce. And an online service might be the right choice if you've been married for a short time (less than two years) and don't have any children.

But proceed with caution.

"The key to the $29 divorce is two people communicating," said Ellen Zack, a family law attorney who practiced in Boston for 26 years, and is now a consultant "If you can sit down at your kitchen table and set aside your anger, fear, sadness and terror and say let's work this thing out, then maybe you can do it."

Unfortunately, that's hard for many couples, she says. "Most people don't communicate very well and when you're getting a divorce you don't want to sit down across from your spouse and talk. I used to say my job was one part lawyer, one part clergy person and 98 parts psychiatrist."

The online sites are generally document-preparation services. They don't offer legal advice or counsel and you must be in complete agreement with your spouse on all the issues. Fees range from less than the cost of a tank of gas to a couple of hundred dollars, but either way it's far less than the cost of hiring a lawyer.

The emotional cost of a divorce has been well documented. What hasn't been as openly discussed is the dollars-and-cents price tag attached to the average divorce. The simple fact is: It's expensive.

Middle Class Squeeze

According to Gaetano Ferro, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and a practicing lawyer in New Canaan, Conn., the middle class is feeling the squeeze: "It's very hard for the middle class to get divorced these days."

Why? In part, because the cost of litigation has skyrocketed and because the modern divorce can be very complex. "In the good old days, we would say 'Give her the house and you keep the pension,' but now there are issues about executive compensation, valuation of hedge funds. We have to hire forensic accountants," Ferro said. "It's like night and day."

Still, Ferro said, if you're thinking of hiring a lawyer don't do what most people do and hire "that guy their brother-in-law recommended."

Find someone you feel comfortable with and hire that person for an hour or so. Most lawyers will charge a consulting fee to take the pulse of the case. Expect them to offer some basic advice and an outline of how to proceed including details of a retainer.

In Boston, as in other major cities, the hourly rate for a highly skilled senior family law attorney is as much as $600. That means a contentious custody battle could easily cost $75,000 to $100,000.

"When you decide to get divorced, it's not just a legal issue. It's a social, religious, psychological issue. It has many dimensions," said Elayne Greenberg, a lawyer based in Great Neck, N.Y., who specializes in mediation and conflict management.

Gambling in Court?

Greenberg said the most common mistake couples make is to assume that justice is an absolute.

Each party firmly believes that if it gets its day in court, it will be vindicated. But, according to Greenberg, going to court is a gamble. "Justice can be elusive," said Greenberg. And, she adds, more than 95 percent of all divorce cases end up being settled out of court. "There's a reason for that."

Even though it's tempting, resist the impulse to run out and hire that famous "attack-dog" divorce lawyer you've heard so much about. "They're in pain and they're hurting and they're afraid of getting screwed and they feel powerless, so they reach out and get a lawyer & but getting a lawyer doesn't always have to mean getting a warrior."

Greenberg advocates trying to talk to your partner before you rush to the experts.

"Sit down at Starbucks or your kitchen table and talk about the issues. You might find you can come to an agreement on most things and then if you have one big thing you can't agree on then take that to the mediator. It will save you a lot of money." And, Greenberg adds, couples could consider spending the money they save on some therapy.

Other Options

In fact, there are two well-regarded, economical and low-conflict options: mediation and collaborative law.

In a mediated divorce, the spouses take the lead in discussing financial and custodial issues surrounding the divorce. The mediator helps resolve any outstanding conflicts and then draws up a memorandum of understanding.

Both parties should also hire a lawyer to look at the final agreement. If all goes well, that agreement becomes the basis for the legal divorce decree. It's almost impossible to put a dollar figure on the "average" divorce but a mediated settlement can cost about $5,000.

The more cutting-edge legal offering that's generating a lot of buzz is called collaborative law. A couple and their lawyers -- trained in collaborative law -- sign a written agreement that they will settle the case without litigation. Both spouses have lawyers to advise them of their best interests, but the emphasis is on cooperation, not combat.

The costs tend to be much lower than a traditional divorce because the process is faster  often wrapping up in as little as four meetings. If, for some reason, the parties can't reach an agreement, the attorneys must resign and the couple have to hire new lawyers. The price tag, which varies widely, is in the $10,000-15,000 range.

This is all very familiar territory to Stephen Serio of Milton, Mass. He divorced his wife in September 2005. They had been married for seven years and have one child. The couple tried both mediation and litigation. According to Serio, the sticking point wasn't custody but cash  specifically financial issues surrounding his business.

"We went to a mediator, which, for us, was a waste of time and money. We couldn't come to an agreement," Serio said. As with many couples, there were emotional issues as well.

"I had moved on years before and she saw the final divorce as really admitting failure. But when the marriage is over, really over, I think both parties just have to look at it as a business transaction because it is. You're dividing the assets and all you're talking about is money," he said.

Serio says his divorce cost him about $25,000, but he doesn't regret the price. "I married the wrong person. This isn't the 1950s and stuff happens. Should I stay miserable and married and waste the rest of my life or try to rectify a terrible mistake? It's [divorce], not the end. "

It can also be a new beginning. Serio remarried last year, and he and his new wife are expecting twins in October.

Copyright © 2007 ABC News Internet Ventures[/L][/L]

just don't get married.

nomarriage.com

marriage strike

Two words pre nup.

delzy said: ArbolLoco said: tell your wife you won't get married until "everyone who wants to get married can".

Wouldn't this be a little late?for me yes, but there are still hope for others.

woe am I.

And your reason for posting copyrighted material?

did I overlook your question or comment about the article?

Can't we all just date forever?

A newsweek article in 2005 found the divorce rate at close to 65%, much higher than the average poll's suggestions. Last years time's poll put it at just under 50%, but they also stated that conventional marriages had dropped by around 30%.
Marriage has just become far to government involved for my family's taste.

codename47 said:

Heaven forbid you have kids and owe child support...you are now a criminal to be persecuted by the state.

While I don't agree with Alimony I do think a guy should pay child support, And yes deadbeats should be prosecuted

codename47 said: While I don't agree with Alimony I do think a guy should pay child support, And yes deadbeats should be prosecuted
I can halfway agree with child support, but it is misued and abused to the detriment of men:

1. Women are FAR more likely to get custody
2. Child support only counts if you pay it through the state
3. Judges can make you pay what they figure you should be earning, not what you actually make
4. "He's worth tens of millions of dollars" has been used as an argument for increasing child support from the paltry sum of 25k per month
5. Child support payments are completely unrelated to the costs of raising a child. How does 5k a month make sense in one case, yet 25k per month makes sense in another, vs say 1500/month?

I can't get behind a system like that until judges start assigning custody at a 50/50 rate and slapping women with some hefty child support obligations, and a set rate for raising a child is found: 150k over 18 years, 180k over 18 years, SOMETHING reasonable and concrete./$25k/mo. child support is just stupid... probably $3k of that TOPS is for the kid... the other $22k is just backdoor alimony.

scott1961 said: codename47 said:
I can halfway agree with child support, but it is misued and abused to the detriment of men:


I can't get behind a system like that until judges start assigning custody at a 50/50 rate and slapping women with some hefty child support obligations, and a set rate for raising a child is found: 150k over 18 years, 180k over 18 years, SOMETHING reasonable and concrete.
You would think the courts would not have to be so involved with child support, But I guess between the deadbeats and the Wife's trying milk as much as they can get the courts are forced to decide. Getting married to the right girl was the greatest thing I have ever done and while most guy's joke about marriage I think most are pretty happy. If things did go bad I have a good Prenup and my wife knows I would fully support my child, So we would have no lawyers or judges deciding for us

Well I wish well. But things change after divorce, goals change, external people create havoc.

Indeed, theres no such thing as an iron clad prenup. And the more one-sided it is, the less likely it will be enforceable.

The "state of marriage" today is very different from how marriages were viewed for thousands of years (a financial union of two families)... 99% of people going into get married in the US today do so for "love", not financial reasons. Now, theres nothing at all wrong with that...Hollywood popularized this movement.

But the problem is that the GOVERNMENT still imposes a set of financial obligations when becoming married, many of which couples are COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF! As far as I know, not one state provides any pamphlet/handbook/etc detailing the financial obligations one assumes when signing up to get married. Where else would you sign/agree to a financial contract without being provided its terms? Would you signup for a credit card that took half your assets if you defaulted/paid late? Well thats essentially how a marriage is treated in the event of "default".

Im not saying that every couple going to get married must pay $25 for a paperback copy of the Family Code and be quizzed/tested on it prior to getting married, But I have a huge problem with the automatic imposition of financial obligations on partues who were partly or completely unaware that doing an act they thought was based on "love" is really a financial contract/obligation they had not considered.

SUCKISSTAPLES said: But the problem is that the GOVERNMENT still imposes a set of financial obligations when becoming married, many of which couples are COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF! As far as I know, not one state provides any pamphlet/handbook/etc detailing the financial obligations one assumes when signing up to get married. Where else would you sign/agree to a financial contract without being provided its terms? Would you signup for a credit card that took half your assets if you defaulted/paid late? Well thats essentially how a marriage is treated in the event of "default".

The credit card analogy also works in other ways when you consider that the laws that applied at the time you were married are subject to change at any time just like the terms of your credit card.

Another thing about child support is that it should be reduced if the ex-wife marries a guy who has money already. The goal should be that the children's needs are taken care of, not that the ex-husband has to keep paying and living in the poorhouse just out of "principle". What's even worse is when the ex-wife decides to quit her job and stay home because she doesn't need to work anymore due to the new rich husband, the ex-husband is forced to pay even more than before.

Anytime the government gets involved in something, it screws up.
Over the years I have lost 3 Tax refunds because of the deadbeat dad laws.
AND THEY WERE NOT MY KIDS. I didn't even know the woman, I had never even been to that part of the country.
But try telling any of that to a judicial desk jockey who automatically assumes you are guilty.
And they make it so expensive to try and fight, that you just give up.
I have never gotten the money back, but I did make sure I never had money coming from the gov again.
I agree with the sentiment on men.
A man now-a-days should have their head examined before they get married, unless you have been dating for 10 years. Then it's somewhat safer.
My family consist of all boys. No girl has ever been born into the family, ever. So we all have a bit of a one sided view.
None of my sons want to get married. They have all the benefits of a marriage like kids and a partner , but without the legal garbage.

vaylon said: Anytime the government gets involved in something, it screws up.
Over the years I have lost 3 Tax refunds because of the deadbeat dad laws.
AND THEY WERE NOT MY KIDS. I didn't even know the woman, I had never even been to that part of the country.
But try telling any of that to a judicial desk jockey who automatically assumes you are guilty.
And they make it so expensive to try and fight, that you just give up.
I have never gotten the money back, but I did make sure I never had money coming from the gov again.
I agree with the sentiment on men.
A man now-a-days should have their head examined before they get married, unless you have been dating for 10 years. Then it's somewhat safer.
My family consist of all boys. No girl has ever been born into the family, ever. So we all have a bit of a one sided view.
None of my sons want to get married. They have all the benefits of a marriage like kids and a partner , but without the legal garbage.

I'm no law expert (but there is a few here that are), but you could of filed a motion to get DNA tests on these children you claim that are not yours. Once the results are in and you are indeed not the father, the gov't can't garnish your tax refund for child support. And in some cases, you can even sue the mothers for fraud if there is proof that they intentionally lied about paternity. But that's kinda cold though...

bravebiffy said:
I'm no law expert (but there is a few here that are), but you could of filed a motion to get DNA tests on these children you claim that are not yours. Once the results are in and you are indeed not the father, the gov't can't garnish your tax refund for child support. And in some cases, you can even sue the mothers for fraud if there is proof that they intentionally lied about paternity. But that's kinda cold though...

My question on this is if the non-father is stuck paying for the DNA test.

kaiotes said: Don't get married and make sure you get a prenup in case you couldn't resist!!wouldnt a condom be better than a prenup if you "couldnt resist"?

I know lots of guys who couldnt resist and ended up with a kid, but no one who culdnt resist and ended up with a wife!

I feel my Prenup is good but have a little back up plan. Whenever we are watching the news and there is some story about a guy killing his wife because she is trying to screw him over, I always start talking about how I can see how that could cause you to snap and then talk about how I was tempted to kill my ex, Helps that she knows I was charged with threating to kill her. Just a good idea to put that thought into the back of their minds

scott1961 said: codename47 said: A mere paternity test is almost assuredly deemed a male responsability
The big problem is a women can put any guys name on the Birth Certificate and then you must prove you're not the fatherI read a story once about this guy who are forced to pay for child support even after the DNA test proved he isn't the father. Talk about a double whammy. Finding out the kid ain't yours + having to pay for him/her till 18.

lostdude said: I read a story once about this guy who are forced to pay for child support even after the DNA test proved he isn't the father. Talk about a double whammy. Finding out the kid ain't yours + having to pay for him/her till 18.
Was the guy married to the mother? Cause that happens a lot

bravebiffy said: Can't we all just date forever?

PMs phone number to bravebiffy/