Steps to take NOW, wife is cheating

I recently found out that my wife is cheating on me and is contemplating divorce.
SOME INFO:
We have been married more than 15 years and have young kids.
We do NOT live in a community property state.
She is unaware that I know about this.

I have been on this site for years chasing after every finance deal to improve our life,
and now I am faced with complete emotional and financial ruin from someone that I love.
Everything I have accomplished will be lost and I know that it never ends good for husbands;
I would lose ~70% of my income for the next 10 to 15 years based upon some research I did.
This is not even considering the astronomical attorney fees that would mount.

I am at a complete loss of what to do, I want to confront her but she is in a different "place"
and I'm certain that would just hasten my demise and I would lose the slight edge that I have.
I am not even a real person to her anymore, they refer to me as "him", "he", "kids father", etc.
One of the most disturbing things is that she has turned my 12 year old against me, spying on me,
and agreeing with whatever she does, wants.

I would sincerely appreciate any constructive advice on what I should be doing, and I know that
many will state "go to a lawyer", but that is obvious and before I even consider going down that road
I would like get any feedback with others that are familiar in this area.

I have always turned to this board to find and offer advice, but never factored this situation in to
any planning.(Please understand it is necessary for me to post as a "new" member.)

I don't even know if I have the strength, will, etc. to go on in life after being betrayed like this,
as I don't even want a divorce and would never agree to give her one any way.

My apologies if this sounds like a bad soap opera, but I am literally in tears as I write this and it's
all true.

Thank you for reading.

Got talk to a few attorneys in your area.

Have you considered marital counseling?

How is this related to general finance that may fatten the wallet of this community? It's not even finance related in general!

Ouch, sorry dude. It's all too familiar story.

Better to talk to a local lawyer and friends.

You do know you are going to get bad advice from some 17 yo high school student, right?

dmlavigne1 said: How is this related to general finance that may fatten the wallet of this community? It's not even finance related in general!

Don't be an f'ing idiot. He's asking for some financial advice given his situation. Others here may have experience to share. You don't, so stfu.

parmenides said: dmlavigne1 said: How is this related to general finance that may fatten the wallet of this community? It's not even finance related in general!

Don't be an f'ing idiot. He's asking for some financial advice given his situation. Others here may have experience to share. You don't, so stfu.

You STFU, he didn't even ask for anything, it was a general personal complaint.

And the other posters suggesting fraud in order to hide assets should be RED (which would be consistant according to other posts).

There are 2 sides to every marriage failure, to which we only have one side. But reflecting on my last sentence, who cares, this is a finance board not Oprah!!

My understanding is that there can be huge differences in divorce outcomes based on certain factors. Cheating on a spouse is a huge one.
Hire a private I and get documentation (video). This will likely be a very nasty fight with accusations of all kinds of crap, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. If you have documentation she's a cheater and liar, you'll be much better off.
Best of luck.

First of all, I'm sorry. That sucks.

This may be small potatoes, but since you "don't know" start spending money on you on things you need or want now or in the near future. For example, when the time comes, you may lose a good % of every dollar you have in savings, but no judge is going to grant her half of your shoes, clothes, ipod, laptop, Xbox, iphone, etc. so now is the time to deplete savings and replenish your wardrobe, your smaller personal electronics, etc.

You may also want to consider 529 plans for the kids with you as custodian. The likelihood of a judge granting half of that to her is less than if the same money is in CDs, savings, or even retirement. Besdies, wouldn't you rather money go to your kids rather than her and her new flame?

Try not to hold it against the 12 yr old. At that age, they have a love of drama and your wife is feeding it. Maybe you could feed it too, but more constructively. I really doubt your child is really turning against you, she is playing along with mom and is too immature to see how it affects you (I'm sorry, I'm not calling your child immature, I just mean that 12 yr olds are less mature than adults). Also, your wife is probably doing this hoping you will react badly towards the 12 yr old, which could look bad for you down the road. Don't fall for it.

Oh, also, would it be considered hiding assets if the OP starts buying gift cards? I know if this were me, I could easily drain a $10k savings account over the course of a few months and have GCs to every store I shop at normally, like every grocery store and gas station in town, Wal-Mart, Target, etc. Then after the divorce, OP can replenish his bank accounts because his expenses will be negligible if he's paying for all his gas, groceries, and basic needs with GCs.

talljay said: My understanding is that there can be huge differences in divorce outcomes based on certain factors. Cheating on a spouse is a huge one.
Hire a private I and get documentation (video). This will likely be a very nasty fight with accusations of all kinds of crap, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. If you have documentation she's a cheater and liar, you'll be much better off.
Best of luck.
First you need to find out what your State laws are, If it's no fault then nothing matters. You could have pictures of your wife with her BF at your own wedding and it wont matter, at least it didn't for me

All I can offer advise on is what I have seen from my co-workers' divorces:
1. Try to get custody of the kids. You not only save on the child support, it will also give you 'leverage' in future negotiations after the divorce.
2. Try to get/negotiate as much as you can soon after confronting her with her infidelity. She will be in an 'apologetic' mode and more willing to concede.

Good luck.

Don't move out of the house.

Let her move.

There is a father's rights site on the web that gives out good info...something like SPARC of deltabravo.net or something like that...you might want to check it out...

Hopefully, you have separate bank accts, and credit cards in your name. I have everything in my name my wife has her own checking accts, credit cards etc.
But on another note, Why after 15 years did your wife turn to someone else? That is the key to maybe saving the marriage as it sounds like you want to. Some are going to frown on this but that is okay. Are you praying, if not start everyday. Speak to someone at a church that either of you goes to. I will be praying for you. Why is your wife and children angry with you? My wife wants financial safety, but values family closeness more. Most women do! Do you take her on a date. My brother takes his wife dancing every Friday night. They have been married for 43 years. Have you been there for her. If you want to save this marriage you will find these questions answered by talking to her and your own soul searching.

But, alas maybe it is not anything that you or she did but grew apart. There was a reason you both got married right, it can be brought back.

Added: I want to clarify one thing committing Adulatry is a terrible sin. And I am not condoing this. If anything I would what to save the marriage for the kids. I personally would not want another man raising them.

Donedealzz said: Hopefully, you have separate bank accts, and credit cards in your name. I have everything in my name my wife has her own checking accts, credit cards etc.

Ditto, two key points here [if the route you are taking is divorce]:

1. Do not speak to her, AT ALL, until you lawyer-up.

2. LAWYER UP - get a good one, and get PAID CONSULTATIONS with all the other good attorneys in town so she can't be represented by them

3. CLOSE ALL JOINT ACCOUNTS, or if not remove her as an authorized user. CC's, Checking/Sav, any financials she can gain access to.

4. After you have lawyered up, you need to tactically consider how you approach her. Do not say anything to her that you can't back up with evidence in court. Ie, visit her with friends/witness, make it aware to her that you're recording all conversations; this will work for you in court with any testimonies.

5. ... best of luck with the kids. That one I can't help with, if anything keep the extended-family close for support.

You'll get better advice if you post a PIC!!

DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH HER, DO NOT CONFRONT HER - IF YOU DO, YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE - THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE

Do not listen to anyone that tells you to confront her and work it out. after 15yrs there is no going back. Get a lawyer, get a PI, document her using drugs, being drunk, late for the kids, etc. You need to be a perfect father for your children to get them in a custody battle. Has she ever hit (even gently spanked) your kids? Document it. You need to keep your head to win, this is your LIFE.

Buy gold/get cash, hide it quick. You need a hidden fund since she WILL be taking 40-70% of your income. PM me if you want more info/a good lawyer if you are in New England area.

1) Hire the services of a good lawyer.
2) Hire the services of LFTM

OP I have no advise, sorry. But wanted to wish you the best, chin up, this is not the time to be sad or depressed, life goes on no matter what happens, move with it!

bterwilliger said: Buy gold/get cash, hide it quick. You need a hidden fund since she WILL be taking 40-70% of your income.

Excellent advice. When you go grocery shopping always pay with a debit card, and get some Cash Back. Hide that cash, since it's untraceable.

I would like to thank everyone who posted a positive reply, the outpouring of support is truly
encouraging and appreciated and to the others I can only say that this is as much a financial
situation as many other topics posted here.

Thanks again everyone and I will reply as I sort things out and reread all these posts.

Just a few more details:

Both our credit ratings are intact and there is equity in the house which I have to consider also.

Thanks for letting me give my two cents, based on experience. Your wife is with another man because she has lost all respect for you. You've probably already seen this all too clearly in how she talks to you, and won't miss the chance to make fun of you/embarrass you/dismiss you. She has completely checked out of the marriage, and may be in love with the other guy and there's almost nothing you can do to reverse that. If it's physical (that's a sure bet), all that's left is her well-thought out strategy to get out of the marriage. She's cunning, and you don't know half the story.

Your path is a simple one. The solution for both emotionally preparing for divorce AND winning you wife back is to become nonchalant, without a care. Your wife wants/craves to see you grovel, beg, cry, but not for good reasons. It gives her further reason to distance herself because you're not a real man deserving of respect, you're just a weak, needy, emotional she man. A man who respects himself won't debase himself. Why should he? If your wife is no longer interested in you, so be it. She can take her things and go, don't let the door hit your butt on the way out. That woman has gone beyond leaving you; she wants to destroy your life because you are unconsciously impeding her happiness, and you need to realize that. You've got to respect yourself, and you'll be amazed at how that will startle your wife. It can't be a show, dude. She'll sniff that out. You've got to see the value in yourself. Today, if she doesn't want to spend time with you, find someone you want to spend time with (not adultery, maybe an old buddy you can play golf or bowling with). Mentally gird yourself with these thoughts: "I love you, I want us to have a better marriage and I want to be a better husband and father, but if you're not interested, I hope you can enjoy a new life for yourself. Let's keep in touch".

That kind of attitude will cause your wife to feel at least a small twinge of new respect, because it means you're respecting yourself. It may be too late to do any good, but it's all you've got at this point. Join a gym today, not for your wife but because it'll make you feel better about yourself. Take up bike riding or some exhilarating sport that gets your adrenaline going. Care about yourself, and you might get lucky and have your wife take some of her attention off her new man and give some back to you. Please remove all emotion from your dealings with your wife. Internalize that if she doesn't want you (and right now, she doesn't ), you can find another woman that has at least a shred of moral fiber.

I don't envy you one bit. It worked out well for me, but not with the wife. And it took a few years of pain before I overcame it. I occasionally take a sigh of relief that my life is much better today than it was back then with that tramp. I had no respect for myself back then, but things are different now. Realize that if the marriage completely fails, she will try to take it all; she presently has zero concern for your well-being, so don't kid yourself there. Make financial preparations first, whatever that means to you. Only a small percentage of people here will have valuable advice to give. Go to men's divorce forums on the internet and soak up the knowledge, or you'll struggle financially until your child is an adult. I wouldn't let on that you know anything about your wife's affair until you have you own affairs in order. I guarantee she already knows to the penny what she will get in child support. You wouldn't believe just how textbook these things really are. You tell me what she's doing today and I'll tell you what she'll be doing tonight. Its really pathetic and sad. She thinks she has the upper hand. Let her continue to think that until the day comes when reality splashes in her face like ice cold water. What goes around comes around. You have a very slim chance of saving this marriage, but it all starts with how you see yourself. Fail there, and start writing the checks. God bless you, dude.

P.S. To the zeros who want to remind us that this is a finance forum, why don't you just stick it. And thanks for reading, I hope something here helps.

**Edit: I did a Google search with the words Men, divorce, and forum and came up with ton of sites.**

greling said: Dude should get her wedding ring while she's in the shower or asleep and pawn it. Money should be spent on strippers.

Is that a dude spooning another dude in your avatar?