I recently found out that my wife is cheating on me and is contemplating divorce.
SOME INFO:
We have been married more than 15 years and have young kids.
We do NOT live in a community property state.
She is unaware that I know about this.

I have been on this site for years chasing after every finance deal to improve our life,
and now I am faced with complete emotional and financial ruin from someone that I love.
Everything I have accomplished will be lost and I know that it never ends good for husbands;
I would lose ~70% of my income for the next 10 to 15 years based upon some research I did.
This is not even considering the astronomical attorney fees that would mount.

I am at a complete loss of what to do, I want to confront her but she is in a different "place"
and I'm certain that would just hasten my demise and I would lose the slight edge that I have.
I am not even a real person to her anymore, they refer to me as "him", "he", "kids father", etc.
One of the most disturbing things is that she has turned my 12 year old against me, spying on me,
and agreeing with whatever she does, wants.

I would sincerely appreciate any constructive advice on what I should be doing, and I know that
many will state "go to a lawyer", but that is obvious and before I even consider going down that road
I would like get any feedback with others that are familiar in this area.

I have always turned to this board to find and offer advice, but never factored this situation in to
any planning.(Please understand it is necessary for me to post as a "new" member.)

I don't even know if I have the strength, will, etc. to go on in life after being betrayed like this,
as I don't even want a divorce and would never agree to give her one any way.

My apologies if this sounds like a bad soap opera, but I am literally in tears as I write this and it's
all true.

Thank you for reading.

Got talk to a few attorneys in your area.

Have you considered marital counseling?

How is this related to general finance that may fatten the wallet of this community? It's not even finance related in general!

Ouch, sorry dude. It's all too familiar story.

Better to talk to a local lawyer and friends.

You do know you are going to get bad advice from some 17 yo high school student, right?

dmlavigne1 said:How is this related to general finance that may fatten the wallet of this community? It's not even finance related in general!

Don't be an f'ing idiot. He's asking for some financial advice given his situation. Others here may have experience to share. You don't, so stfu.

parmenides said:dmlavigne1 said:How is this related to general finance that may fatten the wallet of this community? It's not even finance related in general!

Don't be an f'ing idiot. He's asking for some financial advice given his situation. Others here may have experience to share. You don't, so stfu.

You STFU, he didn't even ask for anything, it was a general personal complaint.

And the other posters suggesting fraud in order to hide assets should be RED (which would be consistant according to other posts).

There are 2 sides to every marriage failure, to which we only have one side. But reflecting on my last sentence, who cares, this is a finance board not Oprah!!

My understanding is that there can be huge differences in divorce outcomes based on certain factors. Cheating on a spouse is a huge one.
Hire a private I and get documentation (video). This will likely be a very nasty fight with accusations of all kinds of crap, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. If you have documentation she's a cheater and liar, you'll be much better off.
Best of luck.

First of all, I'm sorry. That sucks.

This may be small potatoes, but since you "don't know" start spending money on you on things you need or want now or in the near future. For example, when the time comes, you may lose a good % of every dollar you have in savings, but no judge is going to grant her half of your shoes, clothes, ipod, laptop, Xbox, iphone, etc. so now is the time to deplete savings and replenish your wardrobe, your smaller personal electronics, etc.

You may also want to consider 529 plans for the kids with you as custodian. The likelihood of a judge granting half of that to her is less than if the same money is in CDs, savings, or even retirement. Besdies, wouldn't you rather money go to your kids rather than her and her new flame?

Try not to hold it against the 12 yr old. At that age, they have a love of drama and your wife is feeding it. Maybe you could feed it too, but more constructively. I really doubt your child is really turning against you, she is playing along with mom and is too immature to see how it affects you (I'm sorry, I'm not calling your child immature, I just mean that 12 yr olds are less mature than adults). Also, your wife is probably doing this hoping you will react badly towards the 12 yr old, which could look bad for you down the road. Don't fall for it.

Oh, also, would it be considered hiding assets if the OP starts buying gift cards? I know if this were me, I could easily drain a $10k savings account over the course of a few months and have GCs to every store I shop at normally, like every grocery store and gas station in town, Wal-Mart, Target, etc. Then after the divorce, OP can replenish his bank accounts because his expenses will be negligible if he's paying for all his gas, groceries, and basic needs with GCs.

talljay said:My understanding is that there can be huge differences in divorce outcomes based on certain factors. Cheating on a spouse is a huge one.
Hire a private I and get documentation (video). This will likely be a very nasty fight with accusations of all kinds of crap, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. If you have documentation she's a cheater and liar, you'll be much better off.
Best of luck.
First you need to find out what your State laws are, If it's no fault then nothing matters. You could have pictures of your wife with her BF at your own wedding and it wont matter, at least it didn't for me

All I can offer advise on is what I have seen from my co-workers' divorces:
1. Try to get custody of the kids. You not only save on the child support, it will also give you 'leverage' in future negotiations after the divorce.
2. Try to get/negotiate as much as you can soon after confronting her with her infidelity. She will be in an 'apologetic' mode and more willing to concede.

Good luck.