I know this is FWF but I think that maybe people are jumping the gun here, especially when it comes to statements about kicking the girl to the curb. We don't know a lot about the OP or the OP's SO, so I don't think it's fair to start jumping all over her just yet. Let me be the voice of dissent here (to a point).

First off she has $100K in school debt? Well, for what? Does she have a BS in communication or is she going for her JD or MD? Big difference there. How financially responsible is she in other aspects of her life? Point is, a wedding (and to a lesser extend the diamond) are two things that, unfortunately, have become ingrained in a woman's psyche since childhood. For many women, it is unrealistic to expect them to like the idea of eloping. When it comes to finances, this may be one of the big concessions you'll have to make, but on the flip side, one of the biggest bargaining chips you have ("Threesome anyone? Nah, I'm just kidding. No, really, what do you think?" )

My fiancee wants a "nice" wedding (although closer to $20K, not $45K) and it's something that, despite my opinion that it's a waste of money, I feel she should not have to give up. We are working together to stay within a budget and luckily our parents are also helping financially. Other than that she lives a Louis Vuitton life on a Target budget, and I don't foresee that changing much in the future despite the fact that our household income should be going up a lot in the next 5 years (she's in law school).

Second off, don't take her to the store to buy a ring. Buy it yourself on your own budget and time and without the pressure. It's also way more romantic. Like someone else mentioned, women tend to know very little about diamonds - in fact, most people know little. I spend "x" on the engagement ring for my fiancee and most people guess I spent about "3-4x". Buy a loose stone from Blue Nile and pair it with a setting.

Lastly, and this is a bit of a repeat, but look at her financially responsibility as a whole, not just from the vantage point of a wedding and engagement ring. Yes, this $50-70K now is a lot and it would hurt (although given what I said above you may be able to get that down quite a bit). However, you're looking to marry this girl and that is a lifetime (60 years???) commitment. If she buys or doesn't buy $50 worth of clothes every week for the next 25 years, that is more of a financial impact. So it may be a trade off.

All that said, if she is just completely financially irresponsible, doesn't make enough money to support her spending, and wants an extravagant wedding and ring in addition to all that, you have two choices in my mind. One, don't marry the girl. Two, prenup and completely separate finances.

antang- You asked for cash and then invited some people to the ceremoney only without inviting to the reception. That is not frugal that is tacky. And you invited them based on how big of gifts you expected. That is not frugal that is tacky and darn rude. Frugal means being smart with using your money. Asking for cash, not inviting all thepeople to the reception invited to ceremoney and inviting based on gifts is being a horrible host. You would have been significantly less rude and crass by simply only inviting those you actually cared about and saving the money on not relaly hosting the others a 50 person wedding would have been better. I may give around $100 for friends typicvally but asking for cash and if I found out that not everyone was invited to the reception would have you getting only a nice card. you probably would have made more not being greedy.

lindylady said:antang- You asked for cash and then invited some people to the ceremoney only without inviting to the reception. That is not frugal that is tacky. And you invited them based on how big of gifts you expected. That is not frugal that is tacky and darn rude. Frugal means being smart with using your money. Asking for cash, not inviting all thepeople to the reception invited to ceremoney and inviting based on gifts is being a horrible host. You would have been significantly less rude and crass by simply only inviting those you actually cared about and saving the money on not relaly hosting the others a 50 person wedding would have been better. I may give around $100 for friends typicvally but asking for cash and if I found out that not everyone was invited to the reception would have you getting only a nice card. you probably would have made more not being greedy.

+1

Three basic rules for weddings
1) Never ask for cash;
2) Never have a cash bar;
3) Everyone invited to wedding is also invited to reception.

Hmm...25K + 45K = 70K...+ 100K on her student loan?

Well, unless you make 200K/year, that's way too much $ to spend. I don't really care even she doesn't spend much $ on other stuffs. This is almost the same as she asks you to buy a $35K car while you're making $10/hour even if she promises you that she won't go to the mall for the next 10 years.

Best advice.. Pre-marital counselling. Do you go to church? Most church's do this, and it's free (although some do a temperament personality test which costs a few bucks and it's really cool actually. amazing what that little test shows you about yourself.). I would recommend this from a solid Christian church as you'll get good advice based on self sacrificing principles. That's what any marriage needs. It was one of the best time investments I've made prior to my wedding last year. We talked about many topics that are normally hard to discuss, and learned how to deal with our differences. A good marriage requires COMPROMISE by both people. You will learn if you're REALLY compatible with each other. And believe me, it's best to find this out PRIOR to being married! It sounds like there are a few serious discussions that MUST happen before you go any further. It took my wife and I a huge blowup prior to our wedding, but she got out all sorts of damage and hurt in her life that was buried very deep but required as healing never happened and it was causing quite a hinderance in her life, and our relationship. Finances are a Hot Topic for almost every marriage and it's something that needs to be discussed PRIOR, especially when you differ that much. If you have $100K in savings, and she had $100K in debt, that's quite a difference right there and speaks a lot about your situations.

I came into my marriage with NET worth in the low-mid 6-figures to my wife who had NET worth in the negative 5 figures. My job income is 5x hers, so we had obvious differences and this required ironing out those details first. Myself, I don't care about those differences and the $$$. Being a financial forum this may not go over well.. but it's just money, a happy marriage and the quality of my life and hers is more important than any of that. I put her first and we have a very happy marriage. No pre-nup, I'd give it all to her for all I care. I'm a smart guy, and can just make more. She knows my heart and wants to please me in return and because of that, respects my leadership role and sound financial advice as she sees that success in my life. She willingly asks me about budgets, spending, and our financial situation as it is one of my job's in the marriage to manage that. When you GIVE and LOVE, the other will want to do the same. Forcing hands will get you nowhere but stressed out and unhappy. Believe me, life is much more rewarding this way. And this girl was spoiled from her father her entire life. New cars every year (and pretty nice ones at that), bought her anything and everything. So if she could be turned around, I'm sure yours could too.. but it takes some work.

she better be really good in the sack for all the BS you are having to put up with her

No wonder most of the poeple here are divorced, alone, or with some loser woman. Reading things like make her sign a pre-nup, don't tell her how much money you have, get rid of her, etc. is just setting yourself up fopr failure. No offense but I want a wife who expects and wants the finer things in life, which is why she is with me. You get a woman who settles or is OK driving around in a 1989 Crown Victoria and that is exactly what she will marry. The equivalent of a 1989 Crown Vic.

I spent ~$16,000 on a ring, ~$8000 on a gift for my wife, and $3000 on a honey moon. We had 2 weddings,. One cost $25,000 and a week later the second cost $65,000. Is it a waste of money? To me maybe, but not to my wife. There is nothing wrong with a woman who wants/expects the finer things in life. My wife carries a $3500 handbag around which to me is the biggest waste in the world. She likes it and that is good enough for me. I have a $4000 XBR TV which is a big waste to her. I like it and that is good enough for her. If you don't agree with that philosophy you should leave because of a difference in philosophy, not because your SO does not settle.

Quality woman who are beautiful want nice things in their life. If you don't share that belief system then you won't be getting a quality beautiful woman. All quality beautiful woman are desired by many so acting like a selfish loser will not get you anywhere. If you won't provide for your wife someone else will. My wife and I have never had finance problems and are as happy as ever going on 8 years now.

fatwallet commercial....
woman: "He got it at Jared"
other woman, in FW t-shirt: "Your fiance is an idiot. My fiance used FW", shows huge rock.

optional: catfight

I think the real problem here is that you have a big difference in your financial values, with this event being the first point of conflict. She knows that the two of you don't have the money, but wants to spend anyway. What is going to happen when you need to buy a car, house, etc.?

Most marriages that have difficulties have arguments that start because of money. If you can take that source out of the picture then you will be much better positioned.

I'd say you have three options:

1) Do nothing and get married to her. You'll either find a way to get rich enough to satisfy her materialism, spend the rest of your life slaving away to provide for her material needs worried about whether she will trade you in for a better provider, or at some point in a few years she will relieve you of the burden of catering to her every need by finding a more affluent/generous provider.

2) Sit down and write her a letter, to make sure you can discuss all of your points and can be sure that your communications don't get too caught up in emotions. Ask her to read the letter, wait a day or two to think about it and then discuss it with you. Tell her you have very significant concerns about the following:

a) She wants to spend very large sums of money on an item of jewelry that will not make your lives together better and appears to be primarily aimed at impressing her friends.

b) She wants to spend an extravagent amount of money on a wedding that will provide memories, for sure, but won't make your lives together any better, or get you into your dream house any sooner.

c) Her demands and requirements for marriage are focused exclusively on her and seem to be more important than any concerns she has for the two of you together. You are very concerned that should you suffer financial hardship and no longer be able to meet her financial requirements and expectations, that she will no longer find you suitable and will not stand by you when things are "for worse."

d) She needs to consider what she wants and decide whether she cares more about you and can accept your goals and plans or if she would be better off looking for someone else who is more like-minded.

If she contends that providing a sufficient engagement and wedding ring are merely proof that you care deeply enough about her to make her happy, turn the tables on her and say her failure to be sensible and to respect you and your plans for a reasonable financial future show a callous disregard both for you and for being intelligent and practical.

3) Dump her, now. You can't be happy with this woman because she is so materialistic that you can never trust that her feelings are true and about you, not just about your ability to provide for her material desires. If she does agree to cut back on her expectations for a ring and a wedding, she will have regrets forever, will hold it against you and will harbor bitterness and resentment against you. You will hear about your "cheapness" every time you have a fight. She will eventually leave you in the end for someone else with more money, anyway, so why go through the hassle and the heartbreak? If you laid down minimum conditions that she must meet with regard to her weekly participation in your sex life, she'd tell you to go to hell, so why are her conditions any better?

I'd go with option 3. This woman has shown her true colors and they're not pretty. Admittedly, she probably does not have uncommon requirements/expectations for marriage for women in NY City (and that's really a bad sign if you don't live in NYC or maybe Chicago), but if money is this big of a deal for her now, you will likely end up squabbling and fighting about it for years to come. You'll hear why you're a jerk when questioning whether she really needs two new $500 pairs of shoes (that probably don't even fit her, hurt her feet and will only get worn once or twice) but she will probably shriek at the thought of you spending money on yourself for a new set of golf clubs or on the two of you for a new HDTV.

But you already know that conceding to her requirements and staying with her is a bad idea - you admitted as much when you described your individual expectations and differences as "a terrible foundation for marriage."

By the way, someone above may have already said this, but your idea of using your full savings to pay off her student loans after you get married is a horrendously bad one. If that idea was even remotely hinted at or suggested by your girlfriend, you're a damn fool if you get married to her and an incredible damn fool if you pay off any of her loans with your savings; what will you have if she leaves you after you paid off her debts? Speaking from personal experience, my first wife had certain expectations as far as an engagement ring that I felt were extravagent and my failure to acknowledge that they were a warning sign and failure to comply with her expectations turned out to be somewhat of a factor in her leaving me for someone with six times my income only a few months after our wedding, bemoaning that she deserved better than what a poor grad student could provide for her. Before she did that, she made sure to convince me that we should use all of the cash wedding gifts to pay off her credit card debt and love-struck dullard that I was then, I agreed to do that. Let her pay off her loans with her own money and take advantage of the tax deduction. You should probably be able to invest your money for a greater rate of return than the interest rate on her student loans, anyway, and $100k in student loans nowadays isn't an extraordinary debt.