jason243 said:Pay it or leave her. There is no way to talk down a princess who has been dreaming of her perfect wedding since she was a child. You may get lucky and open her eyes to your view point but with those odds I'd just play the lotto.

PMonkeyDishwasher said: My woman and I have very similar financial priorities. We're planning our wedding, and her main concern is that it not cost us much, that our friends have a good time, and that we get a kick ass honeymoon. We're keeping the wedding costs as low as we can because we want to use our money on more important things like buying a nicer house in a few years when it's time to crank out kids.

My wedding with my current wife (around 90 guests) had a fantastic buffet with filet mignon, shrimp, some Asian dishes and plenty of vegetarian dishes. We had some outstanding, world-class local microbrews, excellent wine and bubblies for the toast, an amazing cake that people actually were lining up to get seconds and thirds, plus we had a band (with several CD's under their belts - a regional act and not national, for sure, but tremendously talented nonetheless). Total cost was about $5,000. We did this by focusing on food and entertainment and getting a very pretty old pavilion at a local park for the location, which cost us something like $150 including tables and chairs. We made the reception tropical themed, banned jackets and ties and strongly encouraged tropical attire, plus our band played Caribbean music that got almost everyone out on the dance floor. We blew around $200 on leis, inflatable palm trees and parrots, got some of our friends to help decorate and had a heck of a festive event. We bought the beer and wine ourselves so we were able to get some 90+ rated wines for under $8 a bottle, even cheaper by the case. I can't even tell you how many people told us it was the best wedding they had ever attended and not just because they got to wear a Hawaiian shirt and shorts instead of a suit, dress or tux - it was the only really fun one I've ever been to, that's for sure.

In five years, no one will really remember some stuffy hoity-toity formal affair that cost as much as a BMW, unless the event featured some sort of catastrophe. They will remember the fun weddings, though, even if, as was the case with my wedding, they didn't cost a whole lot.

Oh, and one final word of advice: if you're trying to cut back on wedding expenses, the first place to start is with photography. Even the most girly-girl I've-always-wanted-to-be-a-princess brides probably won't look at their wedding photos more than half a dozen times in the first year after your wedding and probabaly not more than once every two to four years after that. Most guys won't look at them at all unless required to do so by their new wife. Most people nowadays have a friend or relative who is a reasonably talented amateur photographer with a newish digital SLR - get him or her to take the photos instead of spending $1000 to $4000 on a pro plus hundreds if not thousands on albums and reprints. Offer to buy your friend or relative a few new memory cards plus another battery/set of batteries and maybe even an external flash unit if he/she does not have one. Put a disposable camera on every table at the reception and you'll never regret not having spent thousands on a professional.

mikef07 said:lousygolfer said:
As for this Mike guy above claiming he wouldn't want to be with a woman who would be content with a $250 ring, wow. Seriously, wow. You are saying that a spouse who cares a whole lot more about you than a piece of jewelry is unsuitable. My three-year old daughter has been into fairy tales and movie adaptations of fairy tales lately and there are a lot of characters in those stories that remind me of you. None of those characters are protagonists. I'm not someone who makes any sort of habit to wish ill things upon other people, but I would find it hilariously apt if your wife dumped you for someone who had more money.

She does not care about a piece of jewelry more than me. If she had to get rid of her ring or me she would choose her ring to get rid of. She does however want the nicer things in life. A $250 ring doesn't cut it IMO. If you have a woman that settles so be it. Don't think that she doesn't settle on everything though, including possibly a spouse. People who settle in life, settle on everything. People who expect the finest things in life expect the finest things in life on everything, including their spouse.

Nothing wrong with OPs woman wanting the best, unless he doesn't want a woman who wants the best. If so move along and let another man provide her with the best.

It sounds to me like you're confusing cost with quality, kind of like a person who goes to a restaurant that'll cost you $100 for an entree even though the food is mediocre.

Honestly, spending the money on the ring is a waste of money (my fiancee's was ~$2,500 from Blue Nile and I considered that a bit high) and our wedding with ~90 people (in San Diego, reception has ocean views, good food) is costing about $11,000. Both those numbers are compatible with our funds, future goals, and comfort at making our families enjoy themselves, within reason.

If the wedding is 30 people overseas, do THEY all live overseas or something? Isn't it cheaper to do it here or somewhere nice nearby?

I think the best advice has been given by ilikebtmoney. You really should do pre-marriage counseling. Even though I have disdain for organized religion, the Catholic church and many Christian churches really do a good job in this category. If you don't want to use organized religion, there are several books (with workbooks for each person) to work on alone and then go over together. I actually got these for wife and I but we didn't end up using them (helps when you date for 7 years before marriage - and we didn't meet until in our 20's). You could also find a therapist/counselor that offers this service.

The counseling should bring out the important things about marriage: compromise and understanding. You need to talk to your SO and find out why this type of wedding and ring are important to her. Did her Mom always talk about the wedding she wished she had (and therefore put the expectations on her) or does she just want to be queen for the day and show off a fancy ring to feel important? It's going to be important to understand WHY if you want this marriage to work. Knowing that will help you determine if marriage is the right thing to do. Obviously, you can't make that decision until you talk openly to your SO.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

mikef07 said:If you have a woman that settles so be it. Don't think that she doesn't settle on everything though, including possibly a spouse. People who settle in life, settle on everything. People who expect the finest things in life expect the finest things in life on everything, including their spouse.

Nothing wrong with OPs woman wanting the best, unless he doesn't want a woman who wants the best. If so move along and let another man provide her with the best.
Are you serious? You're here on FWF, bragging about having a wife who wants the most expensive house, car, clothes, jewelry, etc. because it makes you feel that you must have been the "best" possible husband for her? I guess by the way you use best you mean she wants the most expensive of everything, and that must also mean that you were the wealthiest man she could convince to marry her?

Anyway, I'm happy that my wife settles for "good enough" in most things, and I'm happy my wife "settled" for me. (I have no doubt that out of the 3 billion men on this planet, at least one would have been a better match for my wife, and surley many would have provided her with more money to spend.)

robstrash said:mikef07 said:What is there to counsel on? OP and fiance (after they are married) have $100K and she wants to spend $70K of it. They can afford it. This needs counseling about as much as anyone living in CA. You can buy a $600K house in CA for $100K in Jackson, Mississippi. Should a person go to counseling for this? No. Why not? You can get a similar house for much cheaper, just like you can have a wedding for cheaper. If you have $1000 and want to buy a $700 TV then do it. Even though you can buy a tube TV for $200 maybe they want a better one.

I thought my post was clear - you need to find out WHY this stuff is so important to her. Only she can say why and then the OP can decide if he still wants to marry her. The problem is that she wants something and he does not. Marriage is about compromise so they need to TALK about it and decide what to do.

Your post was clear but made no sense. Had you learned reading comprehension you would have seen that OP said it was her dream wedding. It is her dream to have this wedding. Maybe it is your dream to go to Hawaii, or drive a BMW, or become a lawyer, or join a country club, or have 3 children, etc. While your dream surely differ from mine, they are no less valid. The point is that it isn't important as to why this is her dream. It just is. Either you help your spouse reach your dreams or you don't. Her problem is not that she wants her dream wedding. Her problem is her SO does not seem to care about her dreams. I think it is utterly ridiculous to spend $3500 on a handbag (and she has 4 or 5) but my wife likes them. She would never choose to spend the mortgage, food, power, college fund, or investing money on a handbag, but she sees no issue on spending excess income on one of these things. I don't either. We have the money, our needs are paid for, our investing goals are being reached and there is nothing wrong with spending above this. That is what compromise is about.

OP has the money. If she wants to spend $170,000 on a wedding then there may be issues. She sees spending money they have to have a wedding.

lorcha said:mikef07 said:What is there to counsel on? OP and fiance (after they are married) have $100K and she wants to spend $70K of it. They can afford it. This attitude is completely foreign to me, and probably to most of FWF. Just because you have the slightest inkling that you want something, and because there is money in the bank to pay for it, that automatically means you must buy it?

I'm glad you and your wife found each other. You are both very fortunate. Batshit insane, no doubt, but fortunate in your own way.

Absolutely stupid comment. So because someone wants something you don't they are insane. You make and save your money to spend it on something someday. That something may be a car, a house or a wedding. If you want to live in a million dollar house AND you can afford it then go for it. If you don't want to do that so be it. There are things you may spend your money on that I never would. It doesn't make you insane. You want to settle in life go ahead. I don't and don't have to. You want to think the nicer things in life are insane I just laugh. Make more money if you can't afford those things.

For your info most of the richest people (Top 5% of earners) in the world think the exact same way. I guess all the rich are batshit insane and you aren't.

mikef07 said:OP and fiance (after they are married) have $100K and she wants to spend $70K of it. They can afford it.

This sort of thinking is why our country is drowning in consumer debt.

mikef07 said:ppatin said:mikef07 said:OP and fiance (after they are married) have $100K and she wants to spend $70K of it. They can afford it.

This sort of thinking is why our country is drowning in consumer debt.

Last time I checked if you have $100K and spend $70K you are not in debt. The reason people are in debt is because they want a $70K wedding and they have $50K.

What about putting that $70000 towards a down payment on a house? Or at least most of it.

BTW, not everyone, mikef07, is "lucky" enough to be in your position. The other 95% of America needs to budget. You are starting to sound like a troll.