Short version: are there any FW-approved strategies to protect yourself financially if you knock up a financially irresponsible girlfriend?
Longer version: one of my friends, whom I'll call Dan and whom I've known for >12 years since college, came into my office this afternoon almost in tears and told me that his girlfriend just announced that she's 5 weeks pregnant.
They've been going out for a little over a year, and I know that Dan never saw himself in a long term relationship with her. He definitely doesn't want to get married, and if it were up to him he'd opt for an abortion -- but she and her family are too religious to go that route.
Dan is in the final year of a PhD program, so his annual income now is only his $25K stipend, but this will likely increase substantially in the next year or two. Apparently he has about $10K in savings.
A big problem (and apparently a key reason Dan doesn't want to get married) is that his girlfriend repeatedly makes horrible financial moves. She carries a ton of revolving debt, mostly to buy clothes and horses (we're in a semi-rural area, so having a horse isn't as impressive as it might sound). Her net worth is about -$20K. She works as a temp doing clerical stuff.
I've searched the archives, and the closest I've come is to this thread where a guy found out his wife was cheating on him:http://www.fatwallet.com/forums/finance/817254 Very different situation, because the children were already there and large assets to protect already existed.
Dan knows he'll be on the hook for child support, but from a financial perspective what can he do to protect his future earnings and to ensure child support actually is supporting the child? (Going off the grid codename47 style is not an option.)
I anticipate plenty of obvious witty replies (like buying a condom and a time machine), but Dan is in a lot of pain. I promised him I would do some research, so I'm here on FW to solicit informed advice. Any such advice is appreciated.
UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who has posted serious advice. I'm surprised how much heat this thread has generated. As far as I can tell Dan is in wait-and-see mode right now... as somebody pointed out below anything can happen between 6 weeks and 9 months. I will provide further updates as far as possible.
For those who don't want to wade through 19+ pages of thread, here is a succinct summary provided somewhere around page 17: ds394 said: 1. Get a paternity test 2. Don't get married for the children 3. Sue for 50% custody; then you don't have to/shouldn't have to pay anything for child support 4. Stay involved no matter what; don't be a dead-beat. 5. Use a condom from now on until you get a vasectomy (when you're ready). Consider it Penance. 6. Be there with and for mom (at least until you get a negative paternity test). This means pre-natal visits, delivery room, ultrasounds, and all that. If you're really the father, don't miss out on these parts of your child's life.
Message edited by: devastated2 on 2009-07-07 00:26:12 CDT
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It's apparently highly doubtful that she'll agree to amniocentesis to test for paternity before the baby is born, and it's a no-brainer after the baby arrives.
But in the next eight months, is there anything he can do to protect himself in case the test comes back with him as the father?
devastated2 said:It's apparently highly doubtful that she'll agree to amniocentesis to test for paternity before the baby is born, and it's a no-brainer after the baby arrives.
But in the next eight months, is there anything he can do to protect himself in case the test comes back with him as the father?
In short not much, there aren't many ways to get out of child support short of becoming a bum or "go off the grid", but that is kind of self defeating imo. Even if the gf has issues he should still be involved in his kid's life. He isn't married to her so there shouldn't be any other legal liabilities involved. He should definitely have the paternity test, but beyond that, I can't think of anything else "to do".
donw 20k is not that bad. Get married, be a big daddy....don't worry about future since Dan will make quite a bit in 2 years. Only thing bothering me....get all these things done in final year PhD is darn difficult. But Dan will be a lot better person after all this. At least he will learn the beauty of a condom for the rest of his life.
DeGlass said:Just get married and win some good-will---that's about all that's left for "Dan" to gain. Mom will win custody for sure.
He can't go off the grid if he wants his PhD to be worth anything. He sure knows how to set himself well--in the final year, no less.
It's not the kid's fault; he deserves to grow up with two parents.
Agreed, absolutely not the kids fault, and marriage would be simplest. But if they don't get married, a big concern is: how to ensure child support pays for the child and not for the GF's shopping habit?
DeGlass said:Just get married and win some good-will---that's about all that's left for "Dan" to gain. Mom will win custody for sure..Sorry, I disagree with that. You think paying child support is bad, wait till he marry the nightmare..
If's not going to work before, having a child doesn't change that. Trust me on this one, I seen it before.
There's no good choice here, but there is worst of all possible scenario: marry the PBFH.
tyrone3971 said:Tell you "friend" to sack up. Fatherhood can be a joy and it's not like a teenage pregnancy. Man up, be a dad and take care of your business.
Part of taking care of your business is not getting taken for a ride... he doesn't want to abandon his kid, but he doesn't want the gf to take advantage of him for the next 18 years. I just didn't have any good advice for him... that's why I'm here.
If she's the custodial parent then she determines how the child support is used. Period, end of story.
A little hint--thinking about this situation in this way is a sure fire guarantee to ensure that he has the worst possible relationship with this girlfriend. Does she, for example, have any idea he does NOT intend to make an honest woman out of her and propose?
devastated2 said:J3T said:finance wise, it might be better not getting married, with her debt, she should get all kinds of gov money.
could you elaborate? do you mean welfare, food stamps etc?
i can't elaborate on anything specific, but i would imagine welfare, food stamps, she can prop get reduced med fees, lots of help/supplies for pregnancy groups like maybe planned parenthood. i don't know what all, but i'm sure there is tons of help out there for an unwed pregnant girl in debt.
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