Help: Son lied to me, kicked out of school --> Tuition money GONE!

Story highlights:

1) Son went to a state school 3 hours away from home. Got kicked out after 4 semesters for academic reasons. Never told us. Claims now that it was because of too much partying. I paid 5th & 6th semester's worth of tutition to the school, but son set up his student account refund into his bank account, so since my payment resulted in a massive credit (no charges applied to the account) all that $$$ got refunded/deposited into his account.

2) Son didn't make any efforts to transfer or get re-admitted.

3) Son picked up full time job at a Bank as a teller.

4) This all unraveled last week. Right now we would be in the 6th semester.

5) Son is signed into an apt lease at state school until June. -- $400/month is his share.

6) He racked up $5k in credit card bills. Used my tuition money to pay off his credit card bills. Lots of money still unaccounted for.

Right now, all I'm looking for is advice on how to teach him about money. Kicking him out of the house is not a consideration. I've brought him home to enroll in a local community college for this semester. Ultimate goal is to get him back into the state school (they have a re-admission process). However, I need to reform him in the next few months before he would (possibly) go back.

I know this may not be the best forum to post this, but you guys usually have good advice on financial stuff, and further, you all have probably been successful in teaching your kids about money. I realize I did obviously not instill good financial values (among others) in him, so I don't need to be convinced that I messed up. Looking for strategies GOING FORWARD.

Thanks.

supercheapy said: ...Right now, all I'm looking for is advice on how to teach him about money. ...

Got a time machine?

supercheapy said: Story highlights:

1) Son went to a state school 3 hours away from home. Got kicked out after 4 semesters for academic reasons. Never told us. Claims now that it was because of too much partying. I paid 5th & 6th semester's worth of tutition to the school, but son set up his student account refund into his bank account, so since my payment resulted in a massive credit (no charges applied to the account) all that $$$ got refunded/deposited into his account.

2) Son didn't make any efforts to transfer or get re-admitted.

3) Son picked up full time job at a Bank as a teller.

4) This all unraveled last week. Right now we would be in the 6th semester.

5) Son is signed into an apt lease at state school until June. -- $400/month is his share.

6) He racked up $5k in credit card bills. Used my tuition money to pay off his credit card bills. Lots of money still unaccounted for.


Right now, all I'm looking for is advice on how to teach him about money. Kicking him out of the house is not a consideration. I've brought him home to enroll in a local community college for this semester. Ultimate goal is to get him back into the state school (they have a re-admission process). However, I need to reform him in the next few months before he would (possibly) go back.

I know this may not be the best forum to post this, but you guys usually have good advice on financial stuff, and further, you all have probably been successful in teaching your kids about money. I realize I did obviously not instill good financial values (among others) in him, so I don't need to be convinced that I messed up. Looking for strategies GOING FORWARD.

Thanks.

Also QTF. Have a feeling this will change.

Sounds like he's not ready for college; why waste your money any further? Going forward, let him live his life how he wants. Once he starts paying his own bills for a while, either he'll learn the value of money or he won't. One thing's for sure, he's unlikely to learn the value of money when it's your money he's burning through. If at some point he decides he wants to go to college again, let him pay for it.

Stop running his life for him. Maybe college just isn't his thing,

Kick the bum out to the curb, give him a chance to grow up in the life of hard knocks.

Next time have an out of control daughter and post pics.

I applaud your son for just telling you because I would be too scared to even think about what my dad would say if I got kicked out of school and then burned thousands of his hard earned money to do this.

He needs tough love and I suggest have him go to the community college first. If he is a full-time teller, many banks and credit unions offer tuition reimbursement as a benefit.

You basically cut him off from any education funding unless he completes a full year with a 3.5 GPA or higher.

bigdinkel said: I applaud your son for just telling you because I would be too scared to even think about what my dad would say if I got kicked out of school and then burned thousands of his hard earned money to do this.

He needs tough love and I suggest have him go to the community college first. If he is a full-time teller, many banks and credit unions offer tuition reimbursement as a benefit.

You basically cut him off from any education funding unless he completes a full year with a 3.5 GPA or higher.

He didn't come out right and tell me. Stuff wasn't adding up and I called him on it.

I think Finance is very 'guy-centric', would love to hear opinions from women folk in finance, especially, on topics such as these when close family is involved.

FuzzyWombat said: He lied and stole from you. These are integrity issues, not personal finance issues.Agree. Is the son now living in OP's residence? What about the apartment lease back in the college town?

HumDoHamaraDo said: I think Finance is very 'guy-centric', would love to hear opinions from women folk in finance, especially, on topics such as these when close family is involved.

Is that because women are expected to be more "family friendly" (just curious)? This woman isn't - I say that if he isn't remorseful and willing to start paying back the money he stole he needs "tough love".

He admitted he was drinking a lot. I am seriously considering putting him on disulfiram (anti-alcohol meds) and watching him take this medicine on a daily basis while I monitor that he doesn't puke it out for about ~30 minutes. I'm pretty confident (through multiple methods) he doesnt have any other substance abuse problems. Though I have no problem warning him about random drug tests.

He has moved back into my home as of today. The apt lease will be paid in full since I do not want to screw over his roommate whom is a good friend. I've lost ~15k total in this with no education gained so far on his part.

Is there any way to find out where bank accounts are opened in his name? Would this show on a credit report? I want to be his ONLY source of money for the time being so I can control where the $ goes and how much it is. If he gets a part time job and his own bank account and just blows it agian, i'm back at square one. Monitoring and control are key right now i think.

Sometimes when I read threads like this I am amazed at the willingness of people to let their children step on them. Why would you continue to pay for his education..even at a community college? Make him work full time, pay rent to live in your house, and go to the local community college part time. You don't have to charge him market rent, but he should "pay" for what has happened here. I was not fortunate enough to get any money from my parents for college - for someone to be so lucky and blow it like this is simply astounding. If I had, and then got kicked out and lied about it, my parents would have disowned me.

And no, bank accounts won't show up on a credit report. Only credit cards and loans. You can look into pulling a chexsystems report, although I've never pulled one of those, but it should tell you where he tried to open accounts:

https://www.consumerdebit.com/consumerinfo/us/en/chexsystems/report/index.htm

supercheapy said: He admitted he was drinking a lot. I am seriously considering putting him on disulfiram (anti-alcohol meds) and watching him take this medicine on a daily basis while I monitor that he doesn't puke it out for about ~30 minutes. I'm pretty confident (through multiple methods) he doesnt have any other substance abuse problems. Though I have no problem warning him about random drug tests.

He has moved back into my home as of today. The apt lease will be paid in full since I do not want to screw over his roommate whom is a good friend. I've lost ~15k total in this with no education gained so far on his part.

Is there any way to find out where bank accounts are opened in his name? Would this show on a credit report? I want to be his ONLY source of money for the time being so I can control where the $ goes and how much it is. If he gets a part time job and his own bank account and just blows it agian, i'm back at square one. Monitoring and control are key right now i think.
Does your son have some kind of psychological disorder that you aren't telling us about? It almost sounds like you're treating him like a semi-autistic kid who doesn't really understand how the real world works. If he does not have a learning or funcional disorder of some kind, I would not recommend this nanny/micro-management/controlling route. If he has any learning capabilities at all, he will learn real quick to shape up once he has to take care of his $400 rent (easily covered on minimum wage), either the easy way (self-realization) or the hard way (eviction).

Was he "drinking a lot" or is he an actual alcoholic? If there's no true addiction, you can't force him to swallow pills he doesn't want take. If a licensed professional diagnoses a real addiction, you won't get to dictate the treatment, although you can help by being an integral part of his support structure.

As for finding out about his bank accounts where you think he might have stashed the money he stole from you, the best way to find out is to ask him. You have to rebuild trust with him, and asking him where the money is located is a good place to start. Hopefully there's something left.

Based on the tiny snapshot of partial information you've provided, I think he's either resentful at you for trying to control his life, and this was his chosen form of rebellion, or maybe he's just young/immature/selfish/egotistical (egotistical in the psychological sense - meaning he doesn't relate to not being the center of the universe) and he screwed up because he's not ready to be even close to an adult. I hope for both you and him that it's the latter, because the best cure for immaturity is just a good one-time ass whipping and then taking some time to learn how to grow up and be responsible.

If it's the former, than you're just as responsible as he is for this mess, and you both have a lot of tough work ahead in order to repair this. Is there a history of you putting a lot of pressure on him or expecting him to excel at a certain profession or something like that? Anything even resembling this? You can't map out his entire life for him. You have to let him figure out who he is and then give him room to breath and space to be himself.

DTASFAB said:
If it's the former, than you're just as responsible as he is for this mess, and you both have a lot of tough work ahead in order to repair this. Is there a history of you putting a lot of pressure on him or expecting him to excel at a certain profession or something like that? Anything even resembling this? You can't map out his entire life for him. You have to let him figure out who he is and then give him room to breath and space to be himself.

You have got to be kidding me. But - given your other posts - I know you are not. Which is so sad.

take it from me... an academic probationee whose parents were paying for college.

Comm college will set a lot of kids straight when you're having to live at home again under more rules, if they were raised well.

I sure as hell didn't steal from my parents (altho that first year of "education" didn't sit well), nor did I lie about grades, but it sure helped going back home, altho I wasn't a fan at all. PT job, community college while getting your core classes and an associates out of the way, and tough love will help.

What was diff with me, tho, was I just figured since I didnt have to study much in high school, I didn't need to in college. I didn't go out and drink all the time. He doesn't have an alcohol problem... he has a partying and doing whatever the hell he wants on daddy's dime problem

A woman perspective: Sorry if it sounds harsh.
1.) The money lesson needs to be for you and your child. You need to understand that your child, in this instance, is a liar and thief. You need to put a hold on any further financial support until you truly figure out why your child felt the need to lie and steal from you. To not tell you about getting kicked out of school is lying, but to set up an account to receive your money without your knowledge is the classic definition of theft. Is it simply because he does not want to go to college, got mixed up with the wrong crowd, illegal activities, or simply used to you providing and does not want to grow up. Until the real issues are revelead and dealt with you will unfortunately just be on this merry go round again with no happy ending and a hole in your bank account.
2.) If he didn't make an effort to get re admitted or transferred, is getting that college degree more for you or for him? Sounds like he does not want one right now.
3.) Working as a teller full time should mean that he does not see a penny of your money, living on his own, paying his own way and learning that he truly had it made before. Do you have any idea how he is managing his finances today? If so does that include repaying you or at a min putting up money to pay his own reinstatement back into college? IF not, why are we having this conversation?
4.) Almost a year to discover your child has been lying to you. Humm either he is a very good liar or you have on blinders because this is your son and you didnt want to acknowledge that gut instinct that told you long ago something was wrong. Did you not ask what happened to the 4th and 5th semester grades?
5.) Where does he live after June? With you? Finds his own apt? Keeps his job? These are all hard questions that need REAL answers.
6.) Obviously he knows a little about money, take yours to continue to live his life.

Honestly, until you figure out what is really going on in his life, mind, and finances he should not get another penny of support from you. If he moves back home charge him market rate in rent, and demand a repayment schedule. If you do not demand your money you are simply telling him that it is alright to steal even if it is from blood, but if nothing else find out why your child did not feel comfortable telling you about school, and why he thinks that it is alright to steal from you. This is ultimately not about the money, but more a discussion of honestly, morality, and for you letting go.

The reason he shouldn't move back home is because the OP sounds like he's going to put him on lock-down and attempt to strangle him into submission. This *probably* won't work and might even backfire. What's going to happen when he doesn't pay his rent or just gets too comfortable living off your money and in your house? You'd have to evict him, which is a very hard thing to do. If he is on his own paying his $400 rent, the world (apartment manager, friend) will teach him for you; Since it isn't coming from you, it will sink in faster.

At least he got a job. Perhaps OP is one of those parents that would blow up at a B-, little-lone failing out of school. Hence why his son couldn't communicate his difficulty, academic or emotional, at school.

Kids are generally a product of their environment it is OP's best thinking that got him here and now he is using his best thinking to fix this. Taking him in and (probably) paying the $400/mo lease for his old place. OP needs to let go of the goals/burdens he set for/upon his son...Is this a school pride thing? My son went to XYZ University which makes me better than you because of what my genes produced. Or did OP not go to school and he wants his son to succeed where he did not?

OP is enabling his behavior. The kid needs to hit rock-bottom. We want to protect our kids from the discomforts of life. I'm sure this kid will "reform" by sitting in daddy's upper middle class 'school-paid-for' home with more of the same of Dad's instruction. The kid is in the real world now and daddy fixing the consequences of his actions will just lead to more of the same. If you keep on doing what you have been doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.

This isn't an integrity issue, that doesn't apply in parent/child relationships. Kid is simply taking the path of lease resistance is a dysfunctional parent/child relationship.

However, in two semesters, he racked up $5k, spent tuition money, spent all the money from a full time job. If drugs are in the scenario, which is difficult to glen from OPs slanted post, then professional advise would be wise.

At last, I suspect OP will continue on the path he laid out in his first post and is simply here seeking allies for his pity situation.

Kick him to the curb literally and financially. But keep in contact with him and maintain emotional support, invite him over for sunday dinner. Seek counseling for yourself. If you can open your eyes, you may see the best thing your son ever goes through.

Kingofthenet said: You Idiot, She GAVE him the money, Hell he could have used it on H&B and she couldn't do squat.

Not necessarily true. There can be conditions on gifts. If she told him the money could only be used on tuition and such (pretty clear since she paid it directly to the school), then she can sue him in civil court. Definitely not the best option though.