Last May I realized that the man I had lived with for 25 years is a sociopath. Because of this, I've been researching this personality disorder for several months and have come to understand that they're EVERYWHERE. Since they are predatory, they hide behind a mask of normalcy for as long as they need to. When they are no longer getting whatever fix/supply they need, they take the mask off and try to destroy you.
so has anyone else out there met one or lived with one that revealed himself/herself? Is anyone out there a sociopath or thinks they might be?
Nrsmimi, it's not hard to be smarter because they are really a case of narcissism (emotionally arrested development) with a twist of sadism. But unless we are taught how to recognize them, how would you even know?
I have been in some destructive relationships, but from those experiences I really think it takes two to tango. I think people tend to feed off of each other for good or for bad. It is not being afriad to walk away (or run) that comes with experience. I think some sociopathic behavior may be fostered by the codependence/enabling behavior of one of the parties.
mcwhitman, that's what they want you to think. That's what I thought for years. Then I realized, he picked the fights, pushing all the right buttons. Why? because they are parasites in every sense of the word. They have no emotions of their own, so they feed off of ours. They love to see you express your agony on your face. Mine didn't touch me for the last decade we were together, unless we were at a theatre watching a thriller. Then he would take my arms and legs and drape them all over himself (to "keep me warm" he said), but now I know, he was sensing all the jumps and starts in my body when the movie got scary. He was feeding. They are vampires.
orangespot said: mcwhitman, that's what they want you to think. That's what I thought for years. Then I realized, he picked the fights, pushing all the right buttons. Why? because they are parasites in every sense of the word. They have no emotions of their own, so they feed off of ours. They love to see you express your agony on your face. Mine didn't touch me for the last decade we were together, unless we were at a theatre watching a thriller. Then he would take my arms and legs and drape them all over himself (to "keep me warm" he said), but now I know, he was sensing all the jumps and starts in my body when the movie got scary. He was feeding. They are vampires.
Your psychologist/psychiatrist/social worker has done you more harm than good.
most sociopaths deny that mental issues are real, it is all black or white. they seem cold, don't understand their emotions let alone someone's elses.
nrsmimi
Ancient Member
posted: Nov. 4, 2009 @ 10:29p
orangespot said:
Nrsmimi, it's not hard to be smarter because they are really a case of narcissism (emotionally arrested development) with a twist of sadism. But unless we are taught how to recognize them, how would you even know?
How did you find out what yours was, Nrsmimi?
Actually, most sociopaths are quite intelligent. I am a nurse, and my first job was working at a psych hospital. I found out what he was because I paid attention. He actually drove his second wife nuts! I didn't know about the first wife until after we were married. He kept pictures and mementos of all his conquests, and before I was a nurse I was a journalist, so not much got by me for very long. When he realized he wasn't going to win, he tried to break me down emotionally. That was his biggest mistake. Then, when he realized I won, he started trying to really mess with me. He ended up losing his job with only 3 years to retirement, the police got involved and finally realized he needed to let this one go. What bothered him the most is that I ended up humiliating him, which for him was beating him at his own game.
Dkong, Well, our relationshit deteriorated as they are bound to do. And he started to let his mask slip. It's hard to say why, maybe Major Darkside can enlighten us on what prompts that slip, but it is inevitable. Usually when you stop giving them everything they want (emotions, money, respect). They go from Dr. jekyl to Mr. Hyde. They become foul and the lies (which were always obvious) become outrageous. So I began researching and his personality just popped right up, in different books on narcissism and websites on sociopathy. The books, "the sociopath next door" and "why is it always about you" were very enlightening. They should be required reading in gradeschool.
Wow NRS , that's impressive. They are intelligent in certain ways. Their ability to mirror you and to manipulate is impressive. But, when you begin to research the disorder, you realize that they are 3 trick ponies: charm, pity and rage. Those are the survival mechanisms that they had as infants and it's all they have now. They have intelligence too, so they can slander, sabotage and poison, but they always employ the first 3 tricks. They can't help themselves.
orangespot said: Dkong, Well, our relationshit deteriorated as they are bound to do. And he started to let his mask slip. It's hard to say why, maybe Major Darkside can enlighten us on what prompts that slip, but it is inevitable. Usually when you stop giving them everything they want (emotions, money, respect). They go from Dr. jekyl to Mr. Hyde. They become foul and the lies (which were always obvious) become outrageous. So I began researching and his personality just popped right up, in different books on narcissism and websites on sociopathy. The books, "the sociopath next door" and "why is it always about you" were very enlightening. They should be required reading in gradeschool.
Have you parted ways or are you coping through the "for better and for worse"?
Frugal Freak, you've been around so long, I'm sorry to hear you had one in your family. my condolences.
Pyee counts if he is being sadistic. I haven't been on here for a while, been dealing with psychopaths, so I forget what pyee did. i do remember he was ostracized.
now, it's adult antisocial personality disorder. The argument's been made that most sucessful politicians are socialized psychopaths. "The Emptied Soul" is a good book on it.(I'm dated though and will check out squid3's books).MCwitman has a good point. I really try hard to be responsible for my life rather than a victim. It's hard. I have been where you are.
larrymoencurly, actually these books are not that way at all. They are very clinical but easy to read. They begin my explaining the development of the infant's brain and the survival mechanisms it uses. Books on narcissism today, are not difficult to read or understand. Not full of psychobabble. Once you have read these books, your eyes are open and you can recognize the behaviors in everyone, real or fictional, that has narcissistic tendencies.
The best part is that so much that was going on under my nose used to slip by me, but now I "get" it. Movies and literature now have an extra dimension based on the character development. All human interaction is more fun and revealing now, just from "getting" the narcissistic personality disorder that is sooooo pervasive in society today.
unfortunately, yes...my current husband (we are currently separated). I finally "got" it after about 12 years of marriage, the night he was arrested for domestic assault. His behaviours were finally "out" in the public view, and I realized that his behaviours were not normal. I finally realized that he had the majority of the problems and not me. He was diagnosed w/ bi-polar disorder, and he has an addictive personality (porn and sex is his addiction of choice...) I'm a relatively smart woman--but for the longest time was blinded by love, and his ability to manipulate me and my own low self-esteem. He is a sick man. I feel sorry for him! However, my pity for him only extends to I want him to be "well" for his children's sake. If he can't then he won't have them in his life. He's already lost me as his the "love of his life" (his words not mine....). The damage he did in our almost 15 years of marriage is irrepairable as far as our relationship. I am slowly repairing the mental and emotional damage he did to me, which also led to some mental and emotional damage to our children. Since I made him move out (and to show you how a sociopath/narcissis thinks: He adamantly refuses to admit that I made him move out, it was his choice--he says he did to work on our marriage.) my life, and my children's lives have evolved into a pretty calm and normal state of existence.
Don't ever think that an abused woman/man doesn't want to leave the abusive relationship. You have no idea how difficult it can be until you've lived it.
Xnarg
Senior Member - 5K
posted: Nov. 5, 2009 @ 11:47a
I know of a couple of sociopaths.
c7530303
No mo ho hos
posted: Nov. 5, 2009 @ 11:53a
So, where are you now? And what do you want for the future? Are you wallowing in the negative memories or are you taking the learnings and moving on?
snack cake, I've moved on, but always learning. Turns out they are everywhere and it's good to have the ability to discern the sociopathic behavior. Take the whole country of mexico for instance. They are reeling from sociopathic behaviors and they haven't got a clue. It's not the drugs that caused it. Drugs are a symptom. Poverty is both a symptom and a cause. But the most important thing is how they devalue their children. Those kids grow up and have no values and they want revenge. Why else would they need to torture and decapitate and dismember the kidnapping victims?
Kingaroonie, picking up the wreckage is hard, but you should see my ex. OMG, he looks like he's rotting from the inside out. Since I left him it has escalated. I feel bad for him because he seems compelled to destroy himself. Funny thing, he is talented enough to have had it all. Every place where he lacked ability, I was there to support him. But rather than have a great life, he would rather enjoy the pleasure of torturing people just to see them in despair. Even if it costs him everything he had, that is the choice he will make. I'm not kidding, it's what he lives for, but he led a double/triple/quadruple life for so long that no one knew it.
Whmhsh2001
Broke Member
posted: Nov. 5, 2009 @ 3:45p
i had a crazy ex who wanted me to move a few hours away from my fam.
handyguy said: 25 years & you didn't notice or care? I think that if you did you would have done something about it way back when you met the person.
Sociopaths have very high self esteem. speaking as someone who lived it for almost 12 years:
It's a complicated thing. Sociopaths are manipulative--very, very, manipulative. Mine happen to be physically abusive. I was scared to leave for a while. He threatened me. He threatened to take my kids away from me. He threatened my extended family. And for a while, I was ashamed that I had allowed myself to get in the position that I was in. In the beginning of our relationship--I was blinded by my love of him and his apparent love of me. Like I said, it took 3 cops (all of who I had worked with and were friends with) coming to my house and looking at me in disbelief, and asking "if things were this bad, why didn't you tell us? We would have helped you long before now!" I realized at that moment that I shouldn't be ashamed, that there was nothing that he could do to me, and that I was a strong woman who needed to get her shit together. EVEN THEN--I, because I'm a "fixer" thought that the husband would get the help he needed would make things right. And for a while he did--then he started lying and cheating. And started trying to manipulate me--he'd kill himself if he didn't "have" me, or my personal favorite it was my fault he cheated, because well, he has "needs". And even after all that--I was willing to go to marriage counseling and try to make it work: Until I found out that while I had been on vacation w/ the kids he had cheated on me--during the time that I had been in the hospital (while on vacation). It was at that point that I knew--his own selfish desire, and motivations were what drove him. I realized w/ that revelation that I hadn't loved him for a long time and was just going through the motions, thinking that was what was best for the kids. Sociopaths prey on a persons weaknesses (he did), they are master manipulators, they are sick, sick people! (oh and then add in an addiction to porn? And sex (with strangers--men and women--from craigslist? I had had enough...)
handyguy, I noticed lots of things but didn't know what to make of it. Examples: 1) he lied and lied and lied sooooo much, I'd never known anyone lie so much. It embarrassed me to call him on it, because I always thought only people with low self esteem lied. Therefore, I thought calling him on it would be awkward. So I went to the library and found a book, "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck. (there was no internet back then) I read the book and it seemed to be about EVIL. Well, I didn't see any horns or tail so I assumed I'd gotten the wrong book. As it turns out I missed the term "malignant narcissist" and being 17 I didn't know what that meant anyway. 2) They were looking for the green river murderer in those days and they put a bulletin out for a blue truck with gray primer on the passenger door. The description matched his truck EXACTLY, but I didn't say anything and just put it out of my mind. 1 week later he had sold his truck. Obviously he wasn't the GRK, but I know now that he likes to pick up girls and scare the crap out of them. I don't know what else he does, but the inside passenger side door handles to his cars are always broken and you can't get out unless you know the trick.
Like I said, you notice stuff, but you just think, "NAH!!! he's so NICE! AND he loves me!"
Yes, I believe my dad is a sociopath. He tends to target females, makes them think he cares for them, but the second one of them pisses him off by disagreeing with him he flips out. His typical behavior is to beat women and threaten to kill them.
I've warned every single woman he's had a relationship with. But, unfortunately for the women he has dated/married, they don't take my word for it until he's either landed them in the hospital or made threats against their life. Of course, I pressed charges against him when he beat me and threatened to kill me, but the other women he's victimized over the years never filed charges. My mother was one of those women. I think she probably believed she deserved to be treated that way.
I live thousands of miles away from the psycho and haven't spoken to him in years. I have no regrets, but I'm sure he does now that he cannot have a relationship with me or his grandchild.
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