• filter:
  • Text Only
  • Search this Topic »
rated:
Since last one was archived, here's a continuation.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

Thanks for visiting FatWallet.com. Join for free to remove this ad.
rated:
Two elderly nuns were sitting on a park bench, when a man in raincoat flashed them. One nun had a stroke but the other couldn't reach.

rated:
René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.

rated:
A friend got me with this last week...

"Hey ganda, you're good at math, how many seconds are there in an year?"
[thinking, thinking] "30 million or so, give or take"
"No, there are 12. January 2nd, February 2nd..."

rated:
mapatsfan said:   Since last one was archived, here's a continuation.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

I don't get it

Nevermind I googled it. Doh

rated:
A baby seal walks into a club....

rated:
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons."Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder."Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

rated:
Damn pandas!

rated:
mapatsfan said:   Since last one was archived, here's a continuation.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

  
FYI, my +1 was for the continuation of the thread, not the joke...

rated:
A woman gets in a pharmacy asking to buy arsenic.

_ pharmacist: "What do you intend to do with that ?"
_ woman: "Kill my husband"
_ pharmacist: "You must be joking !  I cannot sell you something to help you commit a murder"

The woman pulls out of her handbag a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

_ pharmacist: "Of course, it's a different story. I see that you have a prescription"

A little boy goes in his sister's bedroom and sees her masturbeting, saying " I want a man ... I want a man ... "
He turns around, does not say a word.

The next night: he sees that his sister has a man in her bed.
He runs back to his bedroom, and masturbates saying " I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle."

rated:
The school teacher asks the kids:

_ "Steve, what job does your mother do ?"
_ "My mother is a secretary"
_ "Very well. And you, Billy ? What does she do ?" 
_ "My mother, she is dead"
_ "Oh, sorry, I mean ... I meant ... what did she do before ?"
_ "Before:   AAR...ARHHH ARGGHHH "

A drunk stops a cab. The driver opens his window to talk to him.

guy _ "Do you have room for 24 beers and a large pizza ?
driver_ "Yes, of course"

- Beuraaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkk [and he barfs in the cab]

rated:
in honor of Thanksgiving:

Turkey with whisky, in 27 easy steps:

Step 1:  Buy a turkey, about 10 LBs for 6 people and a bottle of whisky, salt, pepper, oil, bacon strips.
Step 2:  Cover turkey with bacon, add salt, pepper and a bit of oil.
Step 3:  While the oven is getting warm, pour yourself a glass of whisky.
Step 4:  Put the turkey in the oven.
Step 5:  Next, pour 2 glasses of whisky and drink them.
Step 6:  Set the therpostat on 8 after 20 binutes.
Step 7:  Boor 3 klasses of vhisky.
Step 8:  Afder a halve bower, oven the open door and watch the tooking of the curkey.
Step 9:  Bick-up the pottle of biscuit and kuzzle a pit more.
......
[ Step 10 to step 20 ....  5 hours, 6 glasses of whisky ...]

Step 21:  R'mofe durkey from ofen.
Step 22:  One more class of fhisky.
Step 23:  Dry again to remooff the f___g burky from often. Bick-up durky from gitchen floor, wap it weez dowel and dhrow it on a blate, or a fish, or a bish, who cares ....
Step 24:  Take a dive, sleeping on greass on gitchen floor. Try to get up. 
Step 25:  Decide it's petter to sday on floor and finish pottle of vhisky.
Step 26:  Crawl to bet, sleep all night.
Step 27:  Next morning, eat the turkey with mayonnaise and spend the whole day cleaning the f__g mess you made in the kitchen the previous day.

rated:
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

rated:
Ever had this thought?

rated:
In honor of the weather, and my harrowing drive home yesterday:


A blonde was lost while driving in a terrible snowstorm. She remembered that her mom once told her that if she was driving in in a snowstorm, she could always get behind a snowplow and follow it. So she got behind a snowplow and followed it for what seemed like an hour. Finally, the snow plow stopped, the driver got out and walked back to the blonde's car. The blond rolled down her window and the plow driver said, "Ok lady, I'm done here. If you want, you can follow me to the next parking lot"

rated:
What does an accountant do when he's constipated?

He works it out with a pencil.

rated:
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

rated:
What do we want?
Time Travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant!

rated:
Steve asked the preacher to pray for his hearing. After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Steve's ears, he stopped and asked, "How's your hearing now?" Steve replied, "I don't know. It's not until this Tuesday at the courthouse."

rated:
Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her in.

rated:
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

rated:
Fawn Liebowitz Dies

WOUNDED DEER, Massachusetts – Emily Dickinson College sophomore Fawn Liebowitz died suddenly last week in a kiln explosion on campus. Liebowitz, 20, a sociology major from Fort Wayne, Indiana, was tragically killed while firing a pot in the new kiln in Sylvia Plath Hall. “Messy” was how Wounded Deer Fire Chief Michael Redman described the scene of the accident. “It was hard to tell the pot shards from the body parts,” said the pyrodefense professional. “She just blew like a frog sucking on a cherry bomb,” Redman added. The cleanup of Plath Hall has been further complicated by a thin coat of glaze that has affixed many of the body parts to the light fixtures and hand railings. In the wake of this tragedy, there has been talk among Emily Dickinson students of renaming Plath Hall to Fawn Hall. Until she was blown to bits, friends would say that Fawn’s best feature was her smile. Her roommate, Shelly Dubinsky (sophomore, primitive cultures), described Fawn as “a special friend who liked to share her thoughts and experiences, and who had a curiosity about life and relationships.” Her long-time boyfriend (they were “engaged to be engaged”), Eric “Otter” Stratton of nearby Faber College, was in shock when he first learned of Fawn’s passing. “I just talked to her last week. She was going to make a pot for me,” Stratton said while attempting to hold back tears. Services have already been held. In lieu of flowers or donations, the family requests that friends express their grief by posting comments on line at: www.myspace.com/crazycueball. CCNN thanks The Blue Republic (www.thebluerepublic.com) for contributing to this iReport.

rated:
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."

The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
 

rated:
Math conversion chart

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigm

rated:
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up his shop, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

rated:
Transcript of 911 call
 
Husband highly altered:

👨🏻¡Mi wife has disappeared! ... Yesterday she went shopping and has not yet come home !!!

Police:
What is her height?

Husband:
Well, I'm not sure ... I think it is more than 5 feet.

Police:
what her weight?

Husband:
do not know. Not very skinny, although she is not very fat.

Police:
Eye color?

Husband:
I think they are brown. Actually, I never noticed.

Police:
Hair color?

Husband:
Changes 2 or 3 times a year. Maybe it is now brown or highlighted. I do not remember well.

Police:
What is she wearing?

Husband:
It may be pants or shorts or a skirt. I do not know exactly.

Police:
In which vehicle did she leave the house?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

Police:
what kind of truck is it?

Husband:
It is a Ford F150 King Ranch, 2015 model, 4x4, 5.0L V8 engine. It has brown leather seats with 6 positions. DVD, next-generation GPS, satellite radio receiver, stereo radio 23 channels, 6 coasters and UBS port to connect the i-pod. I put special alloy wheels and Michelin tires.


At this moment the husband's voice began to choke with emotion.

Police: (sympathetic tone)
Do not worry, brother! We will find the truck ...

rated:
A mom told her daughter to be careful when putting in tampons "because they can become lost in there." So the daughter stapled the string to her underwear for years.

Sadly this isn't a joke but the truth, as told by my wife's friend at college.

rated:
MilleniumBuc said:   Transcript of 911 call
 
Husband highly altered:

👨🏻¡Mi wife has disappeared! ... Yesterday she went shopping and has not yet come home !!!

Police:
What is her height?

Husband:
Well, I'm not sure ... I think it is more than 5 feet.

Police:
what her weight?

Husband:
do not know. Not very skinny, although she is not very fat.

Police:
Eye color?

Husband:
I think they are brown. Actually, I never noticed.

Police:
Hair color?

Husband:
Changes 2 or 3 times a year. Maybe it is now brown or highlighted. I do not remember well.

Police:
What is she wearing?

Husband:
It may be pants or shorts or a skirt. I do not know exactly.

Police:
In which vehicle did she leave the house?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

Police:
what kind of truck is it?

Husband:
It is a Ford F150 King Ranch, 2015 model, 4x4, 5.0L V8 engine. It has brown leather seats with 6 positions. DVD, next-generation GPS, satellite radio receiver, stereo radio 23 channels, 6 coasters and UBS port to connect the i-pod. I put special alloy wheels and Michelin tires.


At this moment the husband's voice began to choke with emotion.

Police: (sympathetic tone)
Do not worry, brother! We will find the truck ...

  You forgot the punchline: REPOST!

rated:
We're driving by the White House and I point this out to my wife. I said "Hillary is going to have a bitch of a time cleaning that every week"

rated:
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

rated:
After dinner with friends, we're home now. Relaxing. I'm flipping back and forth on cable. Between porn and golf. My bride has finally had enough. She said, " Choose one or the other, but quit switching ". I asked which one. She said, " Watch the porn, you already know how to play golf "!

rated:
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!

rated:
Joke

My sister asked me to take off her clothes

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

And so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

rated:
SilverII said:   
True Story

My sister asked me to take off her clothes

So I took off her shirt.

Then she said, "Take off my skirt."

I took off her skirt.

"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.

"Now take off my bra and panties."

And so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."


Fixed

rated:
I lost a watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

rated:
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

rated:
When telling Jonestown jokes make sure the punchline isn't too long.

rated:
xenaphobia: fear of warrior princesses

rated:
What is long and hard, that a young Polish bride gets on her wedding day ?

.
.
.
.
.
.



- A new last name.

rated:
A nun visits her priest:
"We have a problem at the convent. Our female parakeets can only say 'We are prostitutes, do you want to have a good time ?' "

"How awful, says the priest. But I have a solution.
Bring them to me and I will put them in the same cage as my male parakeet: I have taught them to pray and praise god."

Next day, they put the 2 female parakeets in the cage with the males, and they start a conversation:
"We are prostitutes, do you want to have a good time ?"

And one of the male parakeets tells the other one:
"You can put away your bible, our prayers have been finally answered !"

Skipping 62 Messages...
rated:
What do you call a computer that sings?


A-DelI.

 

  • Quick Reply:  Have something quick to contribute? Just reply below and you're done! hide Quick Reply
     
    Click here for full-featured reply.


Disclaimer: By providing links to other sites, FatWallet.com does not guarantee, approve or endorse the information or products available at these sites, nor does a link indicate any association with or endorsement by the linked site to FatWallet.com.

Thanks for visiting FatWallet.com. Join for free to remove this ad.

While FatWallet makes every effort to post correct information, offers are subject to change without notice.
Some exclusions may apply based upon merchant policies.
© 1999-2016